Farewell 2015

I have seen some facebook posts this week about figuring out one word to describe the past year. It took me about 2.5 millaseconds to figure out a word: change. Change is the only word that would accurately describe our year. Family changes, personal changes, location changes, job changes, and the list goes on. And while I generally do ok with change, this year happened to be a lot of change, even for me! But through it all, we have seen God remain faithful throughout all the change. There have been times of silence, times of wondering, and times of crying and yelling at God wondering why. And every single change brought a new reliance on a different aspect of who God is. So as we head into 2016, fully expecting change, but hopefully not as much as last year, may we remember that God is God. He is bigger then the changes. He knows the changes. And He knows exactly how to lead you through those changes.

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas?

It's amazing what routine does for making it feel like Christmas. And this year routine has been thrown out the window. It's Christmas in a new house. It's different. And I have struggled the last few weeks to get that "Christmas feeling".  I decorated a few weeks ago. Our tree has been up for a couple weeks. Music and movies have been playing. But nothing. Only in the last couple days have I felt like I am kind of getting into the Christmas spirit.

Maybe it was the lack of snow, and now that we had a couple days of frost covering everything it feels more like Christmas. But I really think a lot of it is that we are in a new house. Routine is super important, especially when it comes to Christmas apparently! Decorating a new house just feels different. The decorations don't go in the same spots so it looks different. The town is new so there is different things they do for Christmas, and things they don't do that we really enjoyed in Sexsmith. It makes it feel different. I don't exactly know what made it change the last couple days, but it feels different, like something just clicked. It just feels like Christmas all of the sudden. But I am thankful that it did. Because I have enjoyed these last couple days. I've loved the time with my kids. And I know that future Christmas's here will start to feel routine. It's just a matter of time.

28 weeks later....

This blog has been rolling around in my head for a while. Surprisingly, or maybe not, this is the first time I have had a chance to write one like this.

I think most of you remember 28 weeks ago Dan & I went through our 3rd miscarriage. I was 12 weeks along. And tomorrow, November 18, was supposed to be my due date. I have it marked on the calendar still. I thought I would cry a lot more about it. But so far I haven't. I am missing my baby for sure. My head is going through everything I thought I would be doing right now. Those first baby snuggles. Bringing baby home. Those adjustments. My first Christmas with a newborn rather then an almost 1 year old. Seeing the girls with their new sibling. Having 4 kids in my vehicle. A new bucket seat because our old one expired this year, and so much more. Yeah. My head is going through a lot. And this is the first time I've really gone through all of this because the other two times, I was already pregnant by my miscarried due date. But I knew back in May that this one would take a while to heal from. In fact, only in the last few weeks have I been able to say that pregnancy announcements no longer feel like a stab in the back. My first reaction now is pure and complete happiness for my friends, rather than grief first, then a mixture of happiness and melancholy. 

But God is faithful. He has brought us through the initial grief and placed us here. And we know that He is good. And I can honestly say that I have been able to find some good in this. For starters, this move has been more physically demanding then I imagined. We had to build a small deck on the front of our old house, which would have been hard to help with at 5 1/2 months pregnant. Unpacking boxes would not have happened as quickly, or at all, at 7 months. I would not have been able to take on the piano students that I currently have. I have been able to share my story with others who also have lost babies since May. I have been able to encourage and sympathize. And, most recently, I was able to attend my cousins wedding 10 hours away, which I would not have been able to do at 9 months pregnant. His wedding was only 10 days ago. There is no way I would have driven 10+ hours at 9 months pregnant. So while these things would have happened regardless of my pregnancy, I was able to assist in and enjoy these events now instead of just wishing I had been there or helped more.

And I can look forward. I have no clue whether the Lord wants us to have another biological child or not, but there have been exciting discussions happening in the Viel household in regards to our family! Things we have dreamed of since before we got married. And we still don't know what anything is going to look like, but that future suddenly seems a lot closer then it did 28 weeks ago.

A little more every day

It has been a little over a month since we moved. A month of a bit of crazy and a lot of change! And while I hope to never move again, I know that probably isn't very likely. At least next time I won't have 3 little kids around right? At least I hope not.

We have unpacked and settled for the most part. Dan is feeling more and more comfortable in our house with every little project that gets done. He is more confident that this house is now winter ready to his desires! I have hung some pictures, but some are still laying on the shelf. I suspect they will stay there for quite some time. I am learning new tricks to keep this house clean(ish) every day. I've gotta say that I am impressed with how the tile stays mostly clean! Or at least gives off the impression of cleanliness! The laminate a little less so, but oh well. Eventually we will have carpet. In a few years anyway.

Maddison has started school. And she loves it! She actually kicked me out on that first day! Dan had met us at the school so we could do a family drop off. And so after we had gotten her to her class and settled her in Dan had to go back to work. And about 2 minutes after he had to leave, she looked at me and went "when are you leaving mom?" I must say that it made leaving a lot easier! She has made friends with all of the girls, but being as there is only 5 girls, that wasn't very hard. She is thriving and it is good. I am so glad we made the school choice we did and, as weird as it is to say this, I am glad that God moved us here when He did too. I have already seen a few glimpses as to why we are here and I am excited to be here!

Is it weird that I am already thinking about our Christmas letter? This year has been a year of change. It seems like every year I can say that. But this year has probably, by far, been the biggest changes. So while I hope to write here again before Christmas, just be forewarned that I have put a lot of thought into our Christmas letter!!!!!

A little of this, a little of that

Sometimes it seems that life never really slows down.  I can cut a lot out of my schedule, but it still seems so crazy busy.  That is what this last couple of months has felt like.  Crazy busy. 

We started June off with Chataqua Day's on the first Saturday, followed by my brother's wedding on the next.  And then the 3rd Saturday was the June Jamboree in Spirit River, so we were out there for the day.  And then only a couple days after that we were listing our house for sale and headed of to Slave Lake for a weekend of camping.  Life only got crazier from there, but I want to expand on some of these events first.


First of all, we are very excited for my brother and his new bride. They had waited a long time for
this day to arrive and it was beautiful.  It was cloudy and a bit rainy, but rain has never held any other wedding off, and it didn't this one either.  This was actually the only wedding of my siblings that I hadn't been involved in, so it was kind of different that way!  But a good different because this was also the first wedding where I had my own family to take care of, so I was glad to not have any additional responsibilities!  It was still a whirlwind day however, as we hosted my dad's side of the family at our house in between wedding and reception.  Excellent conversations and time spent together, but a busy day none the less.

The June Jamboree was on the 20th of June and we had to attend because Dan was part of the parade.  Plus we were house hunting following the morning events, so we kind of had to be there for that as well.  There were two houses we looked at that day.  Both were well suited for our family, but one stood out a bit more.  Unfortunately by the time we were able to make an offer on that house, there was already another offer on the table, so we were not able to purchase that one.  The other house was also a very nice house, and it is the house that we actually purchased once everything settled down.  We gain possession on August 21st!

We had planned a camping trip to Slave Lake long before we even knew we would be moving, but as it turned out, it was well planned.  We were able to list our house the day before we left and the next day we received an offer.  We were able to negotiate a deal from that and this house will no longer be ours come August 26th.  It did make for a little less relaxing camping trip as we spent a lot of time signing contracts electronically, but hey, so goes life sometimes.

July has been less hectic, but still busy.  We had some adjustments to do on our house to finalize the deal and of course there was house inspections and whatnot to complete on both houses.  But after all was said and done, all conditions were removed on July 17th.  And to celebrate we took our kids to Jasper for the first time! It was an awesome weekend of camping, climbing mountains, seeing Athabasca falls, and just spending time together as a family.  It hasn't been an easy road for our kids these last few months either, so having that time was very good. 


As for me, well things have been emotional.  I finally had a clear ultrasound on June 15th, so praise the Lord that my body was able to deal with this miscarriage without surgery!  And physically I am fully recovered, but emotionally I am still a ways off.  This has been, by far, the most challenging loss. I have come to acceptance over not having any answers, but it seems that the little things are what hurts the most.  My 20 week ultrasound was supposed to be on July 7th.  That day really hurt.  Seeing friends announce pregnancies and the sex of their new babies is like pouring salt on an open wound.

I am still happy for my friends, but this is the first time I have really felt sad at the same time.  God has used this time to deepen my trust in Him, and I have even been able to use my pain to help others who are going through similar times.  So I have seen the "good" side of this already.  And I know that all things happen for a reason, it is just that sometimes those reasons take their time to be revealed.  And I don't have those reasons yet.  But little by little, God is healing me.  Even today, as I was cleaning up lunch while listening to Casting Crowns song "Dream For You", I wasn't sure why, but it was very well timed with the day and I felt a little more healed.


In the middle of everything that has happened the past couple months, Dan and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary.  It seems a bit surreal to think that it has been 6 years already.  And I know that isn't even very long.  We were discussing how much we have gone through in the last 6 years and we can say that it hasn't been easy.  3 kids, 3 miscarriages, basically completely renovating our house from top to bottom, inside to out, the death of his sister, the sale of my first house, and now a fairly major move, all in 6 years.  Add in a few health challenges, switching churches and seeing my brother and his family move to Africa, and you've got our first 6 years!  Yet through it all God has proven Himself to be faithful and true.  He has lead us through some very deep waters, yet we have come out on the other side stronger and more equipped to deal with the next challenge. 



And we have seen Him bless our family!  I have saved this news for last because it is the most exciting for us!  We have never been ones to push our kids to acceptance of Jesus.  We pray for them every day that they would, we read stories, read the Bible, talk, answer their questions and what not, but we have never pushed them.  I wanted them to come to the realization themselves that they needed to make that decision.  So while we were eating supper on June 11th, Maddison, after we had prayed, quietly told us that she had asked Jesus into her heart the previous night in her bed.  It kind of took Dan & I by surprise because we hadn't ever used that wording, but we have seen little ways in which she has changed since then and it is super exciting to see.  We also realized that now the battle really starts and we have amped up our praying for our kids as they enter this spiritual battle.

And then, just a couple weeks following that, on June 28th, Brooklyn announced that she too had asked Jesus into her heart.  And again, we were a bit surprised, but still thrilled!  She too has changed in small ways since that day, so even though they are young, we can tell that the Lord is working in their lives.

Life's not Fair - Part 3

This one really isn't about life not being fair.  But since it does concern my miscarriage, I figured I would put it under this title.  It has been 3 weeks since my last ultrasound.  I am not going to put in a whole lot of details, but I did have a small amount of retained tissue at that point.  As of right now we are still waiting and I might still need a D&C, but because of all the specifics that I am not sharing, the doctor is very positive that I probably won't.

That said, I want to say that, looking back on this past month, I have to give God exactly the glory and honour that He deserves.  While there are many different emotions we are still dealing with, and will be for some time, God put such a huge support group around us that it was next to impossible to not acknowledge Him for it.  My best friend even managed to send me personalized flowers from 15 hours away!  The constant support from friends at Bible study, the meals from friends that just happened to be delivered on the days I needed them most, the tree from another friend that will forever be a reminder of baby Dakota, the random facebook messages just asking how I was doing, my parents taking the girls for our anniversary weekend so that we could have some us time to recover, and I could mention many more.  Even more so is the way that God worked out the above medical details.  God knew that I didn't want to remember the exact time of losing baby because that is probably the hardest part about my first miscarriage. 

So while this loss is harder then the other two for numerous reasons, it was also the one where I saw God the most.  I still have no idea why this happened.  I don't know if I want to know really.  I know eventually I will find out, when I meet Dakota in heaven, but for now I don't know if my heart could handle that.  All I need to know now is that God does know and even when I feel absolutely empty and drained, He will be there.

Life's not fair - Part 2

I didn't really intend for this to become a part 1, part 2, part however many more I write thing.  But now that I am past the initial anger and today being what it is, I have to write more.  My heart still hurts every time I think about who us and the girls are missing here in our family.  Especially today.  I enjoy Mother's Day.  But today is hard.  And mostly my thoughts are with those who don't have the babies they so desperately want.  Those who have had miscarriages/child loss or infertility and are mothers, but still do not have babies to hug here on earth.

I am blessed in that I have 3 babies here.  I have little hands that can give me hugs, but I have friends who don't.  I have friends who have struggled and are either mothers of only heaven babies or mothers in heart and desire only.  This day is hard for them.  Because while the rest of the world sings the praises of those with kids here on earth, those with heaven babies are left to pick up the pieces.  We see all the posts on facebook that have happy smiling moms and kids.  We see the tributes of "I am so blessed to have my mother and kids".  And I am and we are.  But my heart is still broken.  My heart is still crying for the 3 babies I have lost.  And I fully admit that this year may be harder because I am still in the last stages of my miscarriage.  My emotions are still right below the surface.  I am still fighting the why's.  But as you go through this mother's day, remember that there are those mothers walking around who don't have that physical evidence of motherhood.  And while there is no reason why you need to hold back your own mother's day celebrations because of them, there is reason to remember them in your celebrations. 

If you know a childless mother, give her a hug.  Include her in your tributes.  Because they deserve to be acknowledged.  They have done the hardest mothering job of all.  They have mothered and then let go.

Life isn't fair

Why again? That is pretty much the only question running through my head right now.  All of March & April I held back from spilling our secret.  I really really wanted to spill it, but something was holding me back.  An ultrasound showed a heartbeat and baby growing at exactly where it was supposed to.  That was April 1st.  Once the heartbeat is seen, the chance of loss goes down to 5%.  I figured since I already had an unexplained miscarriage (25% of women have one of those) and an ectopic pregnancy (20% of women have one of those), I was probably ok.  But I still didn't spill our news.  I still wanted to wait.  And I couldn't explain why.  Now I can. 

When I started spotting I thought it was just one of those things.  I had seen the heartbeat.  I had morning sickness.  My pants were starting to feel tight, and it wasn't because I was overeating (I could only manage about 1000 calories a day without getting nauseous).  I didn't go to the doctor right away.  In fact I waited a week and a half before calling my doctor.  Then things started to change and I figured a doctor's visit was in order.  So on May 1st I went in.  And when the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, she sent me for an emergency ultrasound.  I have been in enough ultrasounds to know when things are ok and when things are not.  I knew something was wrong.  And since the ultrasound techs aren't allowed to say anything, she asked me to wait while she talked to the radiologist.  That is when I figured out that our baby had probably died.  And since my doctor was out of the office, I had been her last appointment of the day, the tech told me that my doctor would call me later today.  She called while I was on my way home.  She didn't know details yet, but baby #4 had died. 

When we first found out I was pregnant I was scared.  I have never had 2 successful pregnancies back to back.  And this was my "other" pregnancy.  But this was also the longest I had gone between pregnancies.  It had been 14 months.  And once I got past 8 weeks, I began to have hope again.  Maybe things were working this time.  Maybe I would have a baby before Christmas.  And now I am back to why?  Why again?  Why can my body not carry two pregnancies back to back?  What is wrong that causes every other baby to die?  Why do I get to be part of every bad stat regarding pregnancies?  Why do other people have full out bleeding and their babies still survive?  Why?  And yes, I am angry.  I have never felt the desire or need to get drunk before.  I was tempted to last night.  Had it not been that I knew I would probably need to get up at least once for one of the kids, I probably would have considered it more then the brief thought it actually was. 

I don't have anything elloquent to say.  This sucks.  My heart hurts.  My body hurts.  I am mad.  But I also have an amazing support system around me that has lifted us up and given us hugs, love and prayers.  And while I know I won't ever be the same because I will always carry this baby with me like I do the others, in time the grief will fade.  Eventually I will feel normal again.  In time I may be ready to have another baby.  But for now, I am just going to take things minute by minute, day by day and enjoy the babies I already have. 

Updating the Blog

So it's been a while since I updated the title picture on the blog.  I figured since my youngest is now over a year, I should probably include her too!  So I updated the pictures.  Enjoy!

March 11

photo taken from http://heavenlysunsets.blogspot.ca/2010/08/exhausted.html

I know I said I was coming back, but it sure doesn't seem like it!  However, since I use this site as kind of a journal as well, there are some posts that I write, that never see the public's eye.  So I have come back, just not fully public.

Today is always a day of emotion for me.  If you look back over the last 4 years, in 3 of them I have written a post on March 11th.  And all 3 posts have been about the same topic.  My miscarried baby, born on March 11, 2011.  Each year is a little bit different.  But each year I think about where that baby would be today had he survived (he meaning either he or she as we didn't know).  The emotions of losing a baby never go away.  It doesn't matter how many babies you have after that (I have had 2), they never go away.  And I have discovered that each miscarriage also has it's own separate emotions, as I have also never blogged about my other miscarried baby, aside from the day that actually happened.  It doesn't mean that November 6th holds any less emotions for me.  It just means that I have dealt with the emotions surrounding that baby in a different way. 

For me today is usually bittersweet.  I have a good friend whose birthday is today.  So I have the happiness of wishing her a happy birthday.  And I have the memories of what this day was 4 years ago.  But I also know that had I carried that baby to term, I would not have my Brooklyn today either.  So there are all those emotions that arise when I think about the fact that I don't have one baby, but I do have another because I don't have one.  It is confusing and complicated and I can't even explain it well.  It makes today bittersweet.

However, that aside, today is a day that I remember.  And even though I think about my babe every year, there is always that hope and knowledge that despite everything, I will get to see my babies eventually.  My two boys are together (again provided both were boys) and, if truth be known, they are in a whole lot better of a place then they would be here.  They are in a place where there is no suffering, no pain, and they are whole in a way that I will not know until I join them there.  So happy birthday my baby.  Have fun celebrating!

Coming Back

I have taken a blog hiatus for a while it seems.  I thought about blogging a lot last year, but there were a lot of things going on and it just got pushed back, and back, and back.  I started a blog on Christmas morning, but the girls woke up and ended that - in a good way!!!  To be honest, I haven't quite known what to say because last year was hard.  Last year was very hard.  There was health issues, sleep issues, personal struggles, and so much that happened last year that it felt like I was in survival mode pretty much all year long.  Needless to say we were very happy to bid 2014 farewell! And thus far 2015 hasn't been awesome, but we are already seeing how last year has strengthened us and grown us closer to God, closer to each other and closer to our kids.  So hopefully this year will include more than a handful of blogs and I can continue to share life with the 5 (or whatever number it is) of you who read this!

15 Years

Teen Missions International Iceland Team 1999

15 years ago my life changed.  It wasn't something that was done to me or any sort of traumatic experience, it was a choice I made to leave home for two months, attend boot camp and spend 5 weeks in Iceland with about 28 other teenagers.  Tonight I kind of re-lived part of that by watching this years commissioning online.  I hadn't planned on watching it (I didn't even know it was streamed live), but I happened to log onto facebook after supper and saw that it was streaming online.  So I watched.

And as I watched I fed my infant baby, cleaned up supper, and bathed my two older girls.  And all the while I thought about 15 years ago and how different my life was then.  Not in a nostalgic, sad kind of way but rather a nostalgic, amazed kind of way.  15 years ago I was 15.  Half my life ago my parents had a bout of insanity and agreed to let me travel halfway around the world for the summer with a bunch of strangers.  I'm still not sure what they ate before I asked if I could go, but whatever it was, God sure did use it. 

My life changed that summer.  I may have been young, and thought I wasn't, but that summer solidified my walk with God in a way I can tangibly look back on.  I am even still in contact with a few of those team members - and not just random facebook contact, but close enough contact that we talk about visiting each other once our lives don't include newborns and we both have a bit more financial freedom.  My leader from that team is a missionary that Dan & I support on a monthly basis as well.  Her and her family were supposed to be in Canada on their last furlough but they had to cancel that stop.  That summer I discovered, for the first time that I remember, that God really is who He says He is.  He provides in ways that you don't think of and gives you everything that you need.

15 years ago I didn't really think about where I would be 15 years from then.  And I don't think I ever would have imagined that I would be able to watch other 15 year olds go through their own commissioning to their own summers.  And I can guarantee I wouldn't have thought I would be taking care of my 3 kids while I was watching it.  Time really does change you, but God really doesn't change.  Because those same things I learned that summer 15 years ago, I am still learning today.  Those same things I learned that summer, I will probably still be learning, in whole new ways, 15 years from now.

So yes, 15 years ago my life changed.  It changed for the better.  It was an experience I will never forget.  And should my own children ask me in 10 to 15 years if they can hop on board those busses and head down to Florida for two weeks of bootcamp and then travel to who knows where in the world for the entire summer, I will likely say yes.  Because while 15 years old may be young, they need to have their chance at changing their life too. 

And tonight, I am happy.  Happy for those kids who dared to take that risk.  Happy that I wasn't there tonight.  And happy for where my life has gone these past 15 years.  So I was nostalgic, yes.  But I am so thankful for where God has brought me since then and thinking back to that just made me crazy excited for where I will be 15 years from now.  Life can't be lived in the past, but looking back on all that has happened in the past can make you excited for the future!  Because right now I can get kind of stuck in the rut of the daily grind.  My existence sometimes seems like it's going to be poopy diapers, potty training, and whiney temper tantrums forever.  But 15 years from now this will likely all be a distant memory.  And I will look back and see God.  I'll see how He carried us from day to day and provided everything we needed.  I'll know in deeper ways who He really is.  And hopefully, when I look back 15 years from now, I'll be just as nostalgic.  Because it's good to see where you've come from so you can look ahead with enthusiasm to where you are going to go.

A little of this a little of that

So it's been a couple months (three actually) since I wrote.  I have thought about writing many times, but life kind of just catches up with me and I never do.  Since my last post we have celebrated Easter, gone through some ups & downs of house decisions, had our 5th wedding anniversary and had a good time at Sexsmith's Chataqua Day.  Ah life.

It doesn't seem like life should be going by quite this fast.  5 years ago we got married.  5 years ago.  Yet a whole lot of life has happened in those 5 years.  3 babies, 2 miscarriages, selling one house and completely renovating another, changing vehicles, getting a camping trailer, and a lot of family changes in the middle.  5 years shouldn't bring about that much change right?  It makes me very excited to see what the next 5 years will bring.

For now though, here are some pictures of recent life!

3 years ago

3 years ago my life was altered in a way I never wanted it to be.  3 years ago I experienced my first loss of a child.  I never knew my child in the way that most parents do because he/she (referred to as he from now on) was only 8 weeks gestation, but he was still a part of me.  He was a surprise, but he was loved and wanted from the second we discovered he was on his way.  I don't know if I will ever forget the feelings I had when I first started bleeding the few days before I lost that baby.  That week was a very long week, full of emotions and waiting, fear and uncertainty.  And even though I have had two full-term pregnancies since then, with each one that fear and uncertainty comes back.  With each pregnancy I now ask myself "will this one stick?"  3 years ago my life changed.  Happy birthday my darling child.  My Timothy Neveah. 

Randomness about my thoughts this week

My mind has been running these last few weeks.  Unlike most ladies, I don't find the post partum period to be too bad.  I haven't really had a huge issue adjusting with any of my babies thus far, but I find that I do a lot of deep thinking during the first few weeks after I have a baby.  I don't share a lot, and I don't even talk a lot with my babies or Dan, but my mind works through a lot.  And it's not even that I discover anything deep or challenging about myself or the world, it's just thoughts about life.

So in light of that, this post may be a bit random.  Kendall is 6 weeks tomorrow (and seriously, where does the time go?) and we are settling into a routine.  All of that got thrown out the window this week as Brooklyn came down with some sort of nasty virus, which hopefully doesn't make it's rounds now, but she is on the upswing and life will probably get back to normal next week.  As normal as it gets with a newborn around anyway.  And maybe it's been because we had to take a step back this past week that I am feeling somewhat thoughtful. 

Just a hint of a smile

I was the beneficiary of plenty of cuddles with all my girls this week, but especially with Brooklyn.  And there is just something about having the chubby hands of your sick two year old wrapped around your neck or her small warm body cuddled up beside you as she naps that makes you want the moment to never end.  The pleasure of having your newborn cuddle up into your chest while your toddler and preschooler each cuddle up on either side of you while you watch "The Little Mermaid" or "Tangled" for the 1000th time that makes time seem like it needs to stand still.  So many moments where you think it would be great to have a camera, but then again, a camera can never truly capture the full feeling of the moment.  It doesn't save the smells and sounds and feelings.  So I just let my mind capture it all, and I savoured in every moment. 


Pretty in pink

And that makes it sound like this week was without challenge, but that's not true.  There were definite times of challenge and times where I wondered if I would make it through the day with my sanity still around.  I did, kind of, and somehow I made it through the sleep deprived nights we had this week.  Nothing like sharing your bed with a two year old and newborn.  That doesn't make for much sleep for mom! 


My drama queen

But here we are, at the end of the week.  And it's just after 9 pm on Saturday night.  Dan is on call and out working right now, so I'm home alone with the girls.  Sitting in silence because all 3 are asleep, in their own beds!  I survived another week and can look ahead to the new challenges that next week will bring.  But for now, I'll just sit here and enjoy the silence, because I really have no idea how long it will last.

Kendall Susanne

I know this is late but I'd like to announce the arrival of our third daughter - Kendall Susanne.  She was born January 19, 2014 at 11:17 pm weighing in a 8 lbs, 8 oz and 19 3/4 inches long.  She has been a wonderful addition to our family and we are thoroughly enjoying getting to know her!

Life in the New Year

Well 2014 has begun.  It's been a bit of a slow start for us here at the Viels.  It seems like time has stopped moving and we are at a standstill.  That isn't the actual case obviously because time doesn't really ever stop.  However I am in the final weeks of pregnancy and time seems to have stopped.  It is only the 5th (and yes, I had to check the calendar to make sure that was right) and it feels like it should be the 20th.  Yup, this month is dragging by.

In other news, my other baby turns 2 on Saturday.  2 already.  2 years ago I was in a similar position, only I was legitimately that much closer to the end.  2 years of living with our adorably cute Brooklyn, who decided that the stage was a good place to be in church this morning.  While the pastor was preaching.  I guess it's a good thing that our girls are feeling comfortable at the church we have been going to!

Merry Christmas!

So as I was laying in bed at 3:30, as awake as ever, I realized why I love Christmas so much and it wasn't about the presents or any of that stuff.  However now, at 10 in the morning on Christmas Eve, I can't really remember what my early morning thoughts were.  I'm sure my morning thoughts had something to do with my kids and seeing them learn to love the season.  I also remember thinking that this new information was kind of revolutionary for me.  Apparently it wasn't all that revolutionary.  At any rate, I'm still excited for today and tomorrow, so Merry Christmas to all and as you celebrate may you remember the birth of Jesus and the sacrifice that He made in coming as a baby.  The sacrifice He made in exchanging His place in heaven for humanity and His eventual death.

30 Weeks

This post is probably not going to be very pregnancy related at all actually.  I am 30 weeks along (only a long 10 more to go) but the past couple weeks have been quite rough.  It's hard to say whether they have been rough because of pregnancy or because God is trying to teach me something.  Probably a combination of both.  It just seems like I am constantly at the end of my rope these days. 

There have been a few changes in life over the past month and that's probably the reason why I've been challenged so much these past couple of weeks.  For starters, we are church hunting.  Due to various reasons that don't need to be dragged up here, we have decided to look around at other churches in our area.  It's not an easy thing to do.  We are tearing our kids out from the church that they have known and throwing them into a new experience.  It's not a bad thing, but it is hard to see them miss their friends and Sunday morning routine.  We are tearing ourselves out from the church where we got married and dedicated our two kids.  My family is there.  It's not easy.  But God doesn't ask you to do the easy thing all the time.  In fact, most times He asks you to do something, it's not going to be the easy way out.

The next change has been Bible study.  And this isn't really a change, but more so of a challenge.  The first study we did this year was "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God".  And it kind of kicked my butt.  I don't like change and I don't like being stretched.  Saying yes to God usually means one or both (most often both) of those things.  Maybe this one should have come first because it happened first chronologically, but oh well.  Going through the study challenged me and then came our decision regarding church.  And I had to put what I had learned into practice.  And I'll repeat, it isn't easy.

The next thing that's been pretty huge on my heart recently is our adoption.  We are in a holding phase right now just waiting for God to give us the go ahead to apply.  Haiti has finished it's adoption reorganization and we now fit much better their requirements for international adoption.  That said, it still won't be a quick and easy process.  But God has been working in both Dan & I as we talk about finances and what we are going to do in regards to this.  In God's time and as we wait, I'll use the time to prepare.  I can't say I'm not excited for this adventure though!

And yes, my pregnancy has been not easy either.  This one has been the hardest thus far.  I haven't felt great most days.  I haven't had a whole lot of energy and I am just ready to be done.  It's a good thing Christmas is here because that will give me a distraction for the next 6 weeks.  And then I've only got a few left - in which I can busy myself with Brooklyn's birthday, Maddison's birthday & getting ready for baby.  Our January/February is about to be crazy crazy crazy with 3 birthdays and Christmas/New Year's in 1 1/2 months.

Weep with those who weep

How true this has become for me today.  Friends of ours in Uganda have had to say goodbye to their one month old baby today.  It has been a long road for them this week and today we weep with them as they grieve.  And being pregnant, feeling the movement of my own babe inside, has made the reality that much clearer for me.  Sometimes there are no words, just virtual hugs and sympathy sent across the ocean while you are wishing that you could be there in person to wrap them up in your arms and cry with them.  It's a good thing that God is big enough to hold the world in His hands because that ocean that is so big to us right now, is nothing to Him.  He is there, holding them in His arms.  He's been there.  He knows the pain.  And that is the ultimate comfort.