Stained Glass Masquerade

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Some of you may recognize this title.  I haven't used it before but it's more then appropriate for how I am feeling today.  Today is one of those days when no matter what my kids do, it's not right, but they are doing nothing wrong.  In other words, today is a day when I need to be put in time out.  But how do I, as the mom, do that?  I still need to be the parent.  I still need to make sure that they don't kill each other or constantly fight over who gets what balloon.  But today I am emotionally spent.  It's been a long summer with renovations and pregnancy stuff and just life.  Today my emotions just seem to be broken.  God has been working in my life in huge ways, yet it seems sometimes like nothing has changed.  I'm tired and life seems to never stop.

Yet in the midst of that, my girls wanted to make zucchini bread, and because I had about 7 zucchini to shred and freeze, I figured that would be a good way to spend the morning.  So I pressed play on the CD player and went to make zucchini bread.  Dan had put Casting Crowns into the player a couple of days ago and so that's what played.  And every song had something for me.  We got the bread made and the girls left to play.  And while I was cleaning up, I just cried.  Listening to the actual words of the songs and just letting God do His thing. 

"How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me" - In Me

"And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand" - Prodigal

"And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm" - Praise You In This Storm

"Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people" - Does Anybody Hear Her

"Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side" - Love Them Like Jesus

"Lord, the worship we bring
Is more than songs that we sing
It's a reflection of our ever-changing lives
The best we have to offer" - Father, Spirit, Jesus

"Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain" - Stained Glass Masquerade

"I want to sign Your name
To the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You" - Lifesong

12 Weeks

I am 12 weeks today.  Some of you may ask, 12 weeks what?  Well today I am 12 weeks pregnant.  I am leaving the first trimester behind (and hopefully the nausea and dry heaving with it) and moving on into the 2nd.  For me that usually brings on headaches and in the last week I've had 3.  Luckily they have mostly been in the evening or at night, so some Tylenol and a wet cloth on the forehead have worked and I haven't had to adjust my day much.

Yesterday I heard baby's heartbeat.  Which is why I am writing this today.  After having lost two babies already, I am always thinking that something may happen and I'll loose this one too.  Which is why I haven't written much about this yet, although I haven't been shy in telling people I am pregnant.  This is the first time I've been able to hear baby's heartbeat this early.  I have turned down an early ultrasound for both pregnancies it has been offered and with Brooklyn we weren't able to hear the heartbeat this early via Doppler (with Maddison I was only having my first appointment this early!).  So I wasn't expecting to hear anything yesterday, but I knew that my doctor would try.  To my surprise she found it!  It was a beautiful 165 beats per minute. 

Now that I know we have a baby with a heartbeat, I must confess I feel much more confident that things will be ok.  I know that things can still go wrong, I've had too many friends lose babies between 12 & 20 weeks to be oblivious to the risks, but at least I know for now that baby Viel is floating around down there all safe and as healthy as we can know.

The woman I'm becoming

Warning - this post may make some of you (particularly men if there are any readying this) uncomfortable.  Womanly topics are discussed.

I am becoming a woman I never thought I'd be.  For as long as I can remember I have enjoyed the "luxuries" of the modern world - things like tampons, shampoo & conditioner, household cleaners - etc, etc....  I have used these things without any thought to them possibly causing harm.

And now I find myself changing.  It started, slowly, when I was pregnant with Maddison.  We were a bit tighter in the financial department, so I chose to use cloth diapers.  Purely for the cost benefits.  Now I use them for the enjoyment and the fact that I don't have to use disposables (full-time) on my kids! 

Then I started looking more into my groceries and what I bought.  I started making my own buns & bread.  That spread to making my own butter, tortilla's, noodles for my chicken noodle soup, bagels, and peanut butter (at least once we are done our current jar).  I also make all my own baked goods.  I honestly don't remember the last time I bought a baked good.  The sugar consumption in our home has reduced drastically - although we still eat probably way to much of it!

I remember as a kid hating the garden through the summer.  Now I can't wait to get into my garden and I even started seedlings early this year!  Seedlings for peppers, broccoli, asparagus, & celery.  And all because it's natural, doesn't have pesticides and is that much healthier for my family.  These are, of course, in addition to the cost savings! 

Household cleaners were next to be changed.  I started thinking more and more about what kind of chemicals I was using to clean with.  And so now I use Pink Solution for my bathrooms and floors and Norwex cloths for my windows and the wet/dry mop instead of a swiffer.  And after I have finished my current bottle of Tide I will be using Pink for laundry too.

Most recently, I have cut shampoo out of my life.  About a year ago a friend of mine switched from shampoo to baking soda/vinegar.  And again I thought I could never do that.  I loved the smell of my shampoo and the feeling of cleanliness it gave my hair.  But just in the last couple of weeks I have made the switch.  It started when I began using smaller amounts of shampoo in my hair because I needed to make it last until my next shopping trip.  But I began to notice that my hair was less greasy and responded better throughout the day.  So I talked to my friend and got the down low on the baking soda/vinegar method of washing hair.  And have been using it for a week.  And I love it. 

This is where any men reading may want to stop.... or skip this particular paragraph as it deals with womanly matters.  This is the one that really, really surprised me.  Before I got married I decided I didn't want to use hormonal birth control.  I have nothing against it, but I just didn't feel comfortable using it.  That lead to researching different types of birth control.  After Maddison was born I came across natural family planning and have been using that since a few months after she was born.  And a few months after Brooklyn was born I was introduced (via a cloth diaper facebook group) to the idea of reusable menstrual products.  At first the idea really weirded me out.  I was comfortable with the products I used and really didn't see any harm in them. Then I read this blog and it challenged my way of thinking.  So I began to research.  And while I am still weirded out by reusable pads, a few months ago I purchased a reusable menstrual cup and have been using it every month since.

So why did I make these changes?  Some of them started out because of cost.  Mainly the diapers for that one.  The garden (in addition to tasting better and the cost benefits), cleaners, and womanly products were because of chemicals, with cost being a minor factor in those.  The shampoo was purely because I liked my hair better without it.  Shampoo never cost me much and I don't have an issue with chemicals in there, but I just liked that I won't (in a couple weeks) have to wash my hair daily, so maybe that's laziness too ;) 

But mostly I just felt that this was the way God wanted me to live.  It's not that using diapers, cleaning products, birth control or store bought veggies are bad, it's just that for me I felt God leading me to remove or semi-remove them from my life.  For the most part it makes thing less complicated.  I feel healthier and therefore I feel like I am better able to serve my family because of these choices.  But I also love that while I may feel that this is a great way to live, God does not want, call or need everybody to live this way.  Our God is so personal that way and I love it.

Easter Musings

So today is Easter.  And I'm in a funk mood.  For one, I'm tired.  B hasn't slept well for the past couple of nights and that's always tiring.  I'm also missing my angel babies.  Easter always makes me think of them.  Some years it makes me excited and anxious to join them in heaven.  Some years I just miss them.  This year I miss them.  Angel baby #1 would be 1 1/2 this year and angel baby #2 would still be a tummy baby.  But by now I would know for sure whether he/she was a he/she.  And I'm just missing my heaven babies today.

One the other side of that though, is that I have hope.  I may miss my babies, but I have hope, because of today, that I will eventually get to spend the rest of my days with them.  And that gives me peace despite the longing.  Praise God that His sacrifice has given us hope.

Kids & Church

Why is it that kids are always relegated to junior church or sunday school during the morning service?  For a few months now we have been discussing the possibility of moving closer to town and therefore, probably moving churches as well.  Neither of these things is likely to happen tomorrow (and actually probably not for a few years) but most likely it will happen eventually.

In our current church there is Sunday school prior to the service and then clipboard activities that correspond to the sermon for kids ages 3 to 10.  Nursery is provided from infant to age 3 if you choose to use that option (which I do from about 10ish months until 2 1/2 ish).  I like the system.  I know it is hard to have young children in the service, but I like that my kids are hearing the same sermon that I am.  I like that I get to help them pay attention by working with them to get the correct answers to the questions on their sheets (well for my kid right now it's just coloring them, but someday we will get to answering those questions!).  Sure I may not get as much from the sermon as I would if they had junior church/sunday school then, but I am learning with them and they are seeing me learn.  That is important is it not?  Some mornings are definately more challenging than others, especially since my child is only just 3 and still not quite at the level to fully understand the clipboards.  But I still love that time I get to have with her in the service.

So I was looking at the other churches in our area, especially the ones we've talked about going to eventually, and all of them have the children leave during the service.  And I couldn't help but think that I would miss having my kids beside me.  Sunday school is a good thing.  Kids need to learn on their own level and at their own comprehension.  As hard as it is to get to church for Sunday school, I make that effort because I believe that those lessons are valuable to the kids.  But I love having my kids beside me during the whole service and I would definately miss them sitting beside me. 

I never really thought it was odd until I read this blog about parenting in the pew.  And then I got curious to see what other churches around our area did.  I guess our church is just unique this way because it's been this way for a long time and I just naturally thought that most other churches did Sunday School at a seperate time as well.  Only time will tell what we eventually decide to do, but this is one more thing that will make it a particularily difficult decision for me.

Happy Birthday Angel Baby #1

Today is a bittersweet day.  Today is the birthday of my good friend Allison.  Although we live many miles apart, you are still a cherished friend!  Today is also the birthday of my first angel baby.  Two years ago my life was changed forever.  Two years ago my precious baby, whom I do not know whether it was a boy or girl, left this earth for Heaven.  Two years ago my baby left my body for the arms of Jesus.  While he/she is safer there then they would ever be here, my heart still hurts.  There is rarely a day that goes by when I don't think of my two angel babies and today I celebrate the birthday of one of them.  So Happy 2nd birthday my sweet baby!  Enjoy celebrating your birthday with Jesus today!  And happy more than 2nd birthday Allison!

Joy & Brokenness

My heart is joyful and yet broken at the same time.  We are in the midst of 40 Days for Life.  40 Days for Life is a worldwide event where people pray, for 40 days, for the end of abortion.  It is moving and powerful and wonderful stories of lives saved always come from these events. 

And then there is this story.  The story of a surrogate mom who was faced with the choice to flee her state or be forced into an abortion.  I am thankful that the woman carrying this baby values life and was able to find wonderful parents for this child.  I am broken at the choices of the biological parents.

Pray to end abortion.  If you are close to a 40 Days for Life event, volunteer.  If not, just pray.  God is not held to our locations.  Prayers from around the world can make an impact.