Life's not Fair - Part 3

This one really isn't about life not being fair.  But since it does concern my miscarriage, I figured I would put it under this title.  It has been 3 weeks since my last ultrasound.  I am not going to put in a whole lot of details, but I did have a small amount of retained tissue at that point.  As of right now we are still waiting and I might still need a D&C, but because of all the specifics that I am not sharing, the doctor is very positive that I probably won't.

That said, I want to say that, looking back on this past month, I have to give God exactly the glory and honour that He deserves.  While there are many different emotions we are still dealing with, and will be for some time, God put such a huge support group around us that it was next to impossible to not acknowledge Him for it.  My best friend even managed to send me personalized flowers from 15 hours away!  The constant support from friends at Bible study, the meals from friends that just happened to be delivered on the days I needed them most, the tree from another friend that will forever be a reminder of baby Dakota, the random facebook messages just asking how I was doing, my parents taking the girls for our anniversary weekend so that we could have some us time to recover, and I could mention many more.  Even more so is the way that God worked out the above medical details.  God knew that I didn't want to remember the exact time of losing baby because that is probably the hardest part about my first miscarriage. 

So while this loss is harder then the other two for numerous reasons, it was also the one where I saw God the most.  I still have no idea why this happened.  I don't know if I want to know really.  I know eventually I will find out, when I meet Dakota in heaven, but for now I don't know if my heart could handle that.  All I need to know now is that God does know and even when I feel absolutely empty and drained, He will be there.

Life's not fair - Part 2

I didn't really intend for this to become a part 1, part 2, part however many more I write thing.  But now that I am past the initial anger and today being what it is, I have to write more.  My heart still hurts every time I think about who us and the girls are missing here in our family.  Especially today.  I enjoy Mother's Day.  But today is hard.  And mostly my thoughts are with those who don't have the babies they so desperately want.  Those who have had miscarriages/child loss or infertility and are mothers, but still do not have babies to hug here on earth.

I am blessed in that I have 3 babies here.  I have little hands that can give me hugs, but I have friends who don't.  I have friends who have struggled and are either mothers of only heaven babies or mothers in heart and desire only.  This day is hard for them.  Because while the rest of the world sings the praises of those with kids here on earth, those with heaven babies are left to pick up the pieces.  We see all the posts on facebook that have happy smiling moms and kids.  We see the tributes of "I am so blessed to have my mother and kids".  And I am and we are.  But my heart is still broken.  My heart is still crying for the 3 babies I have lost.  And I fully admit that this year may be harder because I am still in the last stages of my miscarriage.  My emotions are still right below the surface.  I am still fighting the why's.  But as you go through this mother's day, remember that there are those mothers walking around who don't have that physical evidence of motherhood.  And while there is no reason why you need to hold back your own mother's day celebrations because of them, there is reason to remember them in your celebrations. 

If you know a childless mother, give her a hug.  Include her in your tributes.  Because they deserve to be acknowledged.  They have done the hardest mothering job of all.  They have mothered and then let go.

Life isn't fair

Why again? That is pretty much the only question running through my head right now.  All of March & April I held back from spilling our secret.  I really really wanted to spill it, but something was holding me back.  An ultrasound showed a heartbeat and baby growing at exactly where it was supposed to.  That was April 1st.  Once the heartbeat is seen, the chance of loss goes down to 5%.  I figured since I already had an unexplained miscarriage (25% of women have one of those) and an ectopic pregnancy (20% of women have one of those), I was probably ok.  But I still didn't spill our news.  I still wanted to wait.  And I couldn't explain why.  Now I can. 

When I started spotting I thought it was just one of those things.  I had seen the heartbeat.  I had morning sickness.  My pants were starting to feel tight, and it wasn't because I was overeating (I could only manage about 1000 calories a day without getting nauseous).  I didn't go to the doctor right away.  In fact I waited a week and a half before calling my doctor.  Then things started to change and I figured a doctor's visit was in order.  So on May 1st I went in.  And when the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, she sent me for an emergency ultrasound.  I have been in enough ultrasounds to know when things are ok and when things are not.  I knew something was wrong.  And since the ultrasound techs aren't allowed to say anything, she asked me to wait while she talked to the radiologist.  That is when I figured out that our baby had probably died.  And since my doctor was out of the office, I had been her last appointment of the day, the tech told me that my doctor would call me later today.  She called while I was on my way home.  She didn't know details yet, but baby #4 had died. 

When we first found out I was pregnant I was scared.  I have never had 2 successful pregnancies back to back.  And this was my "other" pregnancy.  But this was also the longest I had gone between pregnancies.  It had been 14 months.  And once I got past 8 weeks, I began to have hope again.  Maybe things were working this time.  Maybe I would have a baby before Christmas.  And now I am back to why?  Why again?  Why can my body not carry two pregnancies back to back?  What is wrong that causes every other baby to die?  Why do I get to be part of every bad stat regarding pregnancies?  Why do other people have full out bleeding and their babies still survive?  Why?  And yes, I am angry.  I have never felt the desire or need to get drunk before.  I was tempted to last night.  Had it not been that I knew I would probably need to get up at least once for one of the kids, I probably would have considered it more then the brief thought it actually was. 

I don't have anything elloquent to say.  This sucks.  My heart hurts.  My body hurts.  I am mad.  But I also have an amazing support system around me that has lifted us up and given us hugs, love and prayers.  And while I know I won't ever be the same because I will always carry this baby with me like I do the others, in time the grief will fade.  Eventually I will feel normal again.  In time I may be ready to have another baby.  But for now, I am just going to take things minute by minute, day by day and enjoy the babies I already have. 

Updating the Blog

So it's been a while since I updated the title picture on the blog.  I figured since my youngest is now over a year, I should probably include her too!  So I updated the pictures.  Enjoy!

March 11

photo taken from http://heavenlysunsets.blogspot.ca/2010/08/exhausted.html

I know I said I was coming back, but it sure doesn't seem like it!  However, since I use this site as kind of a journal as well, there are some posts that I write, that never see the public's eye.  So I have come back, just not fully public.

Today is always a day of emotion for me.  If you look back over the last 4 years, in 3 of them I have written a post on March 11th.  And all 3 posts have been about the same topic.  My miscarried baby, born on March 11, 2011.  Each year is a little bit different.  But each year I think about where that baby would be today had he survived (he meaning either he or she as we didn't know).  The emotions of losing a baby never go away.  It doesn't matter how many babies you have after that (I have had 2), they never go away.  And I have discovered that each miscarriage also has it's own separate emotions, as I have also never blogged about my other miscarried baby, aside from the day that actually happened.  It doesn't mean that November 6th holds any less emotions for me.  It just means that I have dealt with the emotions surrounding that baby in a different way. 

For me today is usually bittersweet.  I have a good friend whose birthday is today.  So I have the happiness of wishing her a happy birthday.  And I have the memories of what this day was 4 years ago.  But I also know that had I carried that baby to term, I would not have my Brooklyn today either.  So there are all those emotions that arise when I think about the fact that I don't have one baby, but I do have another because I don't have one.  It is confusing and complicated and I can't even explain it well.  It makes today bittersweet.

However, that aside, today is a day that I remember.  And even though I think about my babe every year, there is always that hope and knowledge that despite everything, I will get to see my babies eventually.  My two boys are together (again provided both were boys) and, if truth be known, they are in a whole lot better of a place then they would be here.  They are in a place where there is no suffering, no pain, and they are whole in a way that I will not know until I join them there.  So happy birthday my baby.  Have fun celebrating!

Coming Back

I have taken a blog hiatus for a while it seems.  I thought about blogging a lot last year, but there were a lot of things going on and it just got pushed back, and back, and back.  I started a blog on Christmas morning, but the girls woke up and ended that - in a good way!!!  To be honest, I haven't quite known what to say because last year was hard.  Last year was very hard.  There was health issues, sleep issues, personal struggles, and so much that happened last year that it felt like I was in survival mode pretty much all year long.  Needless to say we were very happy to bid 2014 farewell! And thus far 2015 hasn't been awesome, but we are already seeing how last year has strengthened us and grown us closer to God, closer to each other and closer to our kids.  So hopefully this year will include more than a handful of blogs and I can continue to share life with the 5 (or whatever number it is) of you who read this!

15 Years

Teen Missions International Iceland Team 1999

15 years ago my life changed.  It wasn't something that was done to me or any sort of traumatic experience, it was a choice I made to leave home for two months, attend boot camp and spend 5 weeks in Iceland with about 28 other teenagers.  Tonight I kind of re-lived part of that by watching this years commissioning online.  I hadn't planned on watching it (I didn't even know it was streamed live), but I happened to log onto facebook after supper and saw that it was streaming online.  So I watched.

And as I watched I fed my infant baby, cleaned up supper, and bathed my two older girls.  And all the while I thought about 15 years ago and how different my life was then.  Not in a nostalgic, sad kind of way but rather a nostalgic, amazed kind of way.  15 years ago I was 15.  Half my life ago my parents had a bout of insanity and agreed to let me travel halfway around the world for the summer with a bunch of strangers.  I'm still not sure what they ate before I asked if I could go, but whatever it was, God sure did use it. 

My life changed that summer.  I may have been young, and thought I wasn't, but that summer solidified my walk with God in a way I can tangibly look back on.  I am even still in contact with a few of those team members - and not just random facebook contact, but close enough contact that we talk about visiting each other once our lives don't include newborns and we both have a bit more financial freedom.  My leader from that team is a missionary that Dan & I support on a monthly basis as well.  Her and her family were supposed to be in Canada on their last furlough but they had to cancel that stop.  That summer I discovered, for the first time that I remember, that God really is who He says He is.  He provides in ways that you don't think of and gives you everything that you need.

15 years ago I didn't really think about where I would be 15 years from then.  And I don't think I ever would have imagined that I would be able to watch other 15 year olds go through their own commissioning to their own summers.  And I can guarantee I wouldn't have thought I would be taking care of my 3 kids while I was watching it.  Time really does change you, but God really doesn't change.  Because those same things I learned that summer 15 years ago, I am still learning today.  Those same things I learned that summer, I will probably still be learning, in whole new ways, 15 years from now.

So yes, 15 years ago my life changed.  It changed for the better.  It was an experience I will never forget.  And should my own children ask me in 10 to 15 years if they can hop on board those busses and head down to Florida for two weeks of bootcamp and then travel to who knows where in the world for the entire summer, I will likely say yes.  Because while 15 years old may be young, they need to have their chance at changing their life too. 

And tonight, I am happy.  Happy for those kids who dared to take that risk.  Happy that I wasn't there tonight.  And happy for where my life has gone these past 15 years.  So I was nostalgic, yes.  But I am so thankful for where God has brought me since then and thinking back to that just made me crazy excited for where I will be 15 years from now.  Life can't be lived in the past, but looking back on all that has happened in the past can make you excited for the future!  Because right now I can get kind of stuck in the rut of the daily grind.  My existence sometimes seems like it's going to be poopy diapers, potty training, and whiney temper tantrums forever.  But 15 years from now this will likely all be a distant memory.  And I will look back and see God.  I'll see how He carried us from day to day and provided everything we needed.  I'll know in deeper ways who He really is.  And hopefully, when I look back 15 years from now, I'll be just as nostalgic.  Because it's good to see where you've come from so you can look ahead with enthusiasm to where you are going to go.