3 years ago

3 years ago my life was altered in a way I never wanted it to be.  3 years ago I experienced my first loss of a child.  I never knew my child in the way that most parents do because he/she (referred to as he from now on) was only 8 weeks gestation, but he was still a part of me.  He was a surprise, but he was loved and wanted from the second we discovered he was on his way.  I don't know if I will ever forget the feelings I had when I first started bleeding the few days before I lost that baby.  That week was a very long week, full of emotions and waiting, fear and uncertainty.  And even though I have had two full-term pregnancies since then, with each one that fear and uncertainty comes back.  With each pregnancy I now ask myself "will this one stick?"  3 years ago my life changed.  Happy birthday my darling child.  My Timothy Neveah. 

Randomness about my thoughts this week

My mind has been running these last few weeks.  Unlike most ladies, I don't find the post partum period to be too bad.  I haven't really had a huge issue adjusting with any of my babies thus far, but I find that I do a lot of deep thinking during the first few weeks after I have a baby.  I don't share a lot, and I don't even talk a lot with my babies or Dan, but my mind works through a lot.  And it's not even that I discover anything deep or challenging about myself or the world, it's just thoughts about life.

So in light of that, this post may be a bit random.  Kendall is 6 weeks tomorrow (and seriously, where does the time go?) and we are settling into a routine.  All of that got thrown out the window this week as Brooklyn came down with some sort of nasty virus, which hopefully doesn't make it's rounds now, but she is on the upswing and life will probably get back to normal next week.  As normal as it gets with a newborn around anyway.  And maybe it's been because we had to take a step back this past week that I am feeling somewhat thoughtful. 

Just a hint of a smile

I was the beneficiary of plenty of cuddles with all my girls this week, but especially with Brooklyn.  And there is just something about having the chubby hands of your sick two year old wrapped around your neck or her small warm body cuddled up beside you as she naps that makes you want the moment to never end.  The pleasure of having your newborn cuddle up into your chest while your toddler and preschooler each cuddle up on either side of you while you watch "The Little Mermaid" or "Tangled" for the 1000th time that makes time seem like it needs to stand still.  So many moments where you think it would be great to have a camera, but then again, a camera can never truly capture the full feeling of the moment.  It doesn't save the smells and sounds and feelings.  So I just let my mind capture it all, and I savoured in every moment. 


Pretty in pink

And that makes it sound like this week was without challenge, but that's not true.  There were definite times of challenge and times where I wondered if I would make it through the day with my sanity still around.  I did, kind of, and somehow I made it through the sleep deprived nights we had this week.  Nothing like sharing your bed with a two year old and newborn.  That doesn't make for much sleep for mom! 


My drama queen

But here we are, at the end of the week.  And it's just after 9 pm on Saturday night.  Dan is on call and out working right now, so I'm home alone with the girls.  Sitting in silence because all 3 are asleep, in their own beds!  I survived another week and can look ahead to the new challenges that next week will bring.  But for now, I'll just sit here and enjoy the silence, because I really have no idea how long it will last.