Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Life's not Fair - Part 3

This one really isn't about life not being fair.  But since it does concern my miscarriage, I figured I would put it under this title.  It has been 3 weeks since my last ultrasound.  I am not going to put in a whole lot of details, but I did have a small amount of retained tissue at that point.  As of right now we are still waiting and I might still need a D&C, but because of all the specifics that I am not sharing, the doctor is very positive that I probably won't.

That said, I want to say that, looking back on this past month, I have to give God exactly the glory and honour that He deserves.  While there are many different emotions we are still dealing with, and will be for some time, God put such a huge support group around us that it was next to impossible to not acknowledge Him for it.  My best friend even managed to send me personalized flowers from 15 hours away!  The constant support from friends at Bible study, the meals from friends that just happened to be delivered on the days I needed them most, the tree from another friend that will forever be a reminder of baby Dakota, the random facebook messages just asking how I was doing, my parents taking the girls for our anniversary weekend so that we could have some us time to recover, and I could mention many more.  Even more so is the way that God worked out the above medical details.  God knew that I didn't want to remember the exact time of losing baby because that is probably the hardest part about my first miscarriage. 

So while this loss is harder then the other two for numerous reasons, it was also the one where I saw God the most.  I still have no idea why this happened.  I don't know if I want to know really.  I know eventually I will find out, when I meet Dakota in heaven, but for now I don't know if my heart could handle that.  All I need to know now is that God does know and even when I feel absolutely empty and drained, He will be there.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Life's not fair - Part 2

I didn't really intend for this to become a part 1, part 2, part however many more I write thing.  But now that I am past the initial anger and today being what it is, I have to write more.  My heart still hurts every time I think about who us and the girls are missing here in our family.  Especially today.  I enjoy Mother's Day.  But today is hard.  And mostly my thoughts are with those who don't have the babies they so desperately want.  Those who have had miscarriages/child loss or infertility and are mothers, but still do not have babies to hug here on earth.

I am blessed in that I have 3 babies here.  I have little hands that can give me hugs, but I have friends who don't.  I have friends who have struggled and are either mothers of only heaven babies or mothers in heart and desire only.  This day is hard for them.  Because while the rest of the world sings the praises of those with kids here on earth, those with heaven babies are left to pick up the pieces.  We see all the posts on facebook that have happy smiling moms and kids.  We see the tributes of "I am so blessed to have my mother and kids".  And I am and we are.  But my heart is still broken.  My heart is still crying for the 3 babies I have lost.  And I fully admit that this year may be harder because I am still in the last stages of my miscarriage.  My emotions are still right below the surface.  I am still fighting the why's.  But as you go through this mother's day, remember that there are those mothers walking around who don't have that physical evidence of motherhood.  And while there is no reason why you need to hold back your own mother's day celebrations because of them, there is reason to remember them in your celebrations. 

If you know a childless mother, give her a hug.  Include her in your tributes.  Because they deserve to be acknowledged.  They have done the hardest mothering job of all.  They have mothered and then let go.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Life isn't fair

Why again? That is pretty much the only question running through my head right now.  All of March & April I held back from spilling our secret.  I really really wanted to spill it, but something was holding me back.  An ultrasound showed a heartbeat and baby growing at exactly where it was supposed to.  That was April 1st.  Once the heartbeat is seen, the chance of loss goes down to 5%.  I figured since I already had an unexplained miscarriage (25% of women have one of those) and an ectopic pregnancy (20% of women have one of those), I was probably ok.  But I still didn't spill our news.  I still wanted to wait.  And I couldn't explain why.  Now I can. 

When I started spotting I thought it was just one of those things.  I had seen the heartbeat.  I had morning sickness.  My pants were starting to feel tight, and it wasn't because I was overeating (I could only manage about 1000 calories a day without getting nauseous).  I didn't go to the doctor right away.  In fact I waited a week and a half before calling my doctor.  Then things started to change and I figured a doctor's visit was in order.  So on May 1st I went in.  And when the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, she sent me for an emergency ultrasound.  I have been in enough ultrasounds to know when things are ok and when things are not.  I knew something was wrong.  And since the ultrasound techs aren't allowed to say anything, she asked me to wait while she talked to the radiologist.  That is when I figured out that our baby had probably died.  And since my doctor was out of the office, I had been her last appointment of the day, the tech told me that my doctor would call me later today.  She called while I was on my way home.  She didn't know details yet, but baby #4 had died. 

When we first found out I was pregnant I was scared.  I have never had 2 successful pregnancies back to back.  And this was my "other" pregnancy.  But this was also the longest I had gone between pregnancies.  It had been 14 months.  And once I got past 8 weeks, I began to have hope again.  Maybe things were working this time.  Maybe I would have a baby before Christmas.  And now I am back to why?  Why again?  Why can my body not carry two pregnancies back to back?  What is wrong that causes every other baby to die?  Why do I get to be part of every bad stat regarding pregnancies?  Why do other people have full out bleeding and their babies still survive?  Why?  And yes, I am angry.  I have never felt the desire or need to get drunk before.  I was tempted to last night.  Had it not been that I knew I would probably need to get up at least once for one of the kids, I probably would have considered it more then the brief thought it actually was. 

I don't have anything elloquent to say.  This sucks.  My heart hurts.  My body hurts.  I am mad.  But I also have an amazing support system around me that has lifted us up and given us hugs, love and prayers.  And while I know I won't ever be the same because I will always carry this baby with me like I do the others, in time the grief will fade.  Eventually I will feel normal again.  In time I may be ready to have another baby.  But for now, I am just going to take things minute by minute, day by day and enjoy the babies I already have.