Merry Christmas

I think I write this every year, but I love Christmas.  I really love Christmas.  Christmas was always my favorite holiday of the year, and it still remains that, but with two babies in heaven now Easter has taken on a new significance as well.  However this post is about Christmas, and more specifically Christmas for those who don't have family. 

I've started sharing some of our thoughts about adoption this past year and while I don't really have anything new to report, I am always somewhat saddened at Christmas that there are kids who have no family to celebrate Christmas with them.  I know that Christmas is not the same all over the world so it doesn't have the same hoopla that we have here in North America, but it still saddens me that there are so many kids around who don't get any sort of celebration with family.

We bought the Third Day Christmas album this year (my attempt at finding Christmas music my husband actually likes!) and they have a song called Merry Christmas on it.  I quite literally cannot get through the song without tearing up.  This year is Brooklyn's first Christmas and it is so fun to watch her with the Christmas tree and various other decorations, and Maddison, being almost 3, is actually starting to understand Christmas now so that is so fun too!  And I cherish these Christmas's with my kids and the memories we are making for our girls.  And I know it will be the same once we have our adopted child(ren) here too and the thought of that just makes me smile, and cry, all at the same time!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muQhSwVBkAo

Merry Christmas!

The Difference Perspective Makes

So last week I posted my goodbye to Viel baby #4.  This week I went for my checkup appointment to make sure the methotrexate is working as it should.  My levels have dropped by 26% and they wanted a 15% drop so things are working well and hopefully all will continue to work well.  But I must say, being in this doctor's office was a hard thing to do. 

The doctor who works on call for these types of situations is also the only doctor in our area who performs abortions.  She is a wonderful lady, very kind and soft-spoken, and definitely knows her stuff and was very sensitive to my situation.  However it was a very dark atmosphere in her office as compared to the two other obstetricians office's I have been to here.  The offices where I went for my pre-natal care with my girls (two different doctors) were both full of life and happiness with pictures of babies on the walls, children playing with the toys and smiling pregnant ladies who actually talked to each other in the office! 

This office was different.  There were no pictures of smiling babies on the walls, only stacks of factual medical information regarding pregnancy and women's health around the office.  Not one pregnant lady who walked into the office while I was there was smiling (this doctor also does regular pre-natal care and deliveries for those who need it) and there was no conversation happening between patients at all.  In fact my children were the only children in the office until right before I left, and I was there for over an hour! 

Part of that was due to the decor I'm sure, as the color palate of this doctors office was dark, but it was just not a happy place to be in and it made me hurt for those ladies who were there to end their baby's lives.  I have never been so anxious to leave a doctors office before!  After I had finally been taken to an exam room all I could do was sit and pray that the doctor would come soon so I could leave.  After being in that office I can all too well imagine the feeling of darkness that surrounds abortion clinics; the lack of hope, the lack of happiness, the lack of life.

Life continues on

Sometimes I wish that I could just curl up and watch life from my couch.  And since Wednesday I have done that more often then I usually do, but part of that is doctors orders to take is easy.  But life continues on.  My girls still need mom to love and cuddle them, bills still need to be paid, laundry still needs to be folded and bathrooms still need to be cleaned. 

However this week it has been hard to be motivated.  Loving my girls has been easy and it took 5 minutes to pay the bills.  The laundry is still piled, clean, on the couch and the bathrooms are still way dirtier then I usually let them get.  But this week I'm not caring.  My family needs some recovery time and so do I.  My body hasn't gone through a lot of stress with this miscarriage but it will still need some time to recoup and so I'm turning a blind eye to the needs of my house and instead spending time with my man and my girls.  Life will return to it's hectic pace soon enough.  These last few days while Dan is home recovering from his surgery will be for our family to enjoy together.

Goodbye Viel Baby #4

Over the course of some very interesting events this past week we discovered that I was expecting Viel baby #4.  However things never felt right to me and so at my doctors appointment I pushed for an ultrasound at 6 weeks, which is not routine here.  The results of that ultrasound confirmed my feelings that this was a non-viable pregnancy in the form of an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy.  So today I go for an injection of drugs that will cause me to miscarry Viel baby #4. 

Because I also felt that something was off with this pregnancy I wasn't allowing myself to become really excited about this baby until I had some answers to my questions, so right now I'm not feeling the devastating emotional effects that I felt with my first miscarriage, however my heart is still hurting over the thought that I am now a mother of 4, yet I only have 2 children here to cuddle.  So today will probably be a bit hard on me and there will probably be some tears associated with the next couple of weeks.

So my precious child whom I will never know here on earth, know that you are loved and that your family was excited that you were here!  You will be missed my special November baby but I know that you are much better off where you are.

Adoption Month!!!

So it's national adoption month.  I never paid much attention to this month before.  I've heard a lot about movember but nothing about adoption.  Why is it that growing mustaches takes precidence over saving kids?  I mean, I understand that movember does have a cause and that cause is good but kids should really take priority right?

And so to update you about our adoption plans, we are planning on attending the international seminar sometime in early 2013.  That's about the extent of it.  My brother did put me in contact with a friend of theirs who is adopting from Ethiopia so hopefully we will be able to have some questions answered there before we even get too far into this! 

And to completely change the subject without any transition at all, Dan had surgery on Wednesday.  He is doing well and his knee seems to be great!  He has felt pretty much zero pain and so we are hoping that his recovery will be speedy.  It's been a long week with everything going on and next week isn't looking to go by any faster, so hopefully we will be able to survive a "relaxing" week at home while Dan is recovering!

Let it snow

I tried to write a blog post last night but for some reason it just wasn't coming to me.  My heart was uneasy and yet I didn't know why.  I went to bed early but just layed there thinking and praying for probably about an hour.  It wasn't troubled thinking but just thinking and praying.

I don't know when it became so important to me, but sometime in the last couple of year being more vocally pro-life has become important.  Especially in the last couple of months actually.  I have always been pro-life but recently I've been moved towards being more so vocally.  Maybe it's because I finally have kids of my own or maybe it's because the medical community called my natural miscarriage a spontaneous abortion, even though everything happened naturally, that I have started to become more vocal.  Maybe it's happening because my friends baby, whose brain wasn't developing right and doctors suggested abortion, was born, as far as they can tell now, 100% healthy at the beginning of September.  I don't think it was just one of these, and many other, events that has moved me to where I am now, I think it's all of them combined.  So when I went to bed last night and spent that hour thinking and praying most of my thoughts and prayers were regarding abortion. 

I have been following Calgary's 40 days for life campaign online so I know that that is why my mind has been there often in the last few weeks, but last night was different.  I felt sprititually hurt over the thought of all those unborn babies.  I felt hurt over the cold attitude that society has towards these precious children and I am deeply saddened over the lies that the medical community has to tell in order for these mothers, and all those who support them, to go through that procedure.  I also felt sadness for the loss that those mothers feel and yet most of them probably won't be able to grieve their loss. 

I know from personal experience that grief brings healing.  If I hadn't been able to freely cry over the loss of my unborn baby at 8 weeks pregnant healing would have taken much longer.  And yet here I am, as the dots just fell into place as I was typing this out, crying again because if I hadn't miscarried I would have had a year old baby right now, as my babes due date was October 16th of last year.  Yet I can freely cry.  I can still morn the loss of my baby.  But those women who either make the choice themselves or feel that there is no other option for them and their babies can't freely cry because society tells them that there is nothing to cry about.

So I prayed last night.  I prayed for those who are able to stand across the street from the clinic in Calgary.  I prayed for those who have experienced abortions and are planning on aborting.  I didn't pray anything specific but I think that's ok because in Romans 8:26 it says that "in the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."  That was me last night.

And what do you know, this morning when I woke up I was at peace.  And I looked outside and discovered that it was snowing peacfully.  It's the kind of snowfall that reminds me how good God is because just as the snow covers up all the dirt and mess of the ground, God covers up and wipes clean all the dirt and mess of our lives.  He's in control people and I am so glad of that.  So even though I know that there will be days ahead when the battle rages on, I know the outcome.  I know who the winning side is and I can rest assured that He will prevail.

My heart is yearning....

Somewhere there is or will be a baby that will be mine.  Every day I read the blog post for 40 days for Life.  Every day it breaks my heart. 

Dan & I talked sometime last week about what country we want to adopt from.  We both would love Haiti but the Haitian government requires couples to be married for 10 years prior to adopting.  That's not a bad thing, it just puts our plans 7 years in the future.  My heart is beating for both Haiti & Ethiopia, and today I have been thinking a lot about my unknown child who likely isn't even born or even concieved yet.  I don't know when I will meet you my special child but know now that you are loved and wanted.  We are waiting, impatiently at times, for the day when you get to come home with us and we don't even know who you are yet.  You are special my child!

Growing Up...

So this morning I had to admit that I am finally growing up.  I know this might seem to be a bit late in the game to admit that but hey, sometimes denial is the best policy right?

And by growing up I mean that I have started drinking coffee.  And this morning I had to go into town to deposit some cash in the bank.  So on the way home (I left home shortly after Dan left) I stopped at McDonalds to get the girls & I breakfast.  And I ordered coffee.  I'm growing up people.

And on top of that I bought a pumpkin earlier this week and had to figure out what to do with it today.  So on the theme of growing up not only am I drinking coffee, but I am also doing grown up things like cooking pumpkin...

Thoughts on Life

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:33 & 34

How true, how true.  As you can see if you look right, these verses are visible on my blog ever time someone looks at it.  These verses are special to me.  When I graduated college they were given to me, by my mentor, as a motto for life, so to speak.  She challenged me to view everything through the lens of seeking first the kingdom of God, act on what God is calling me to do, and then to not worry.

That sounds pretty simple.  But it's not.  I worry.  I worry about a lot.  I especially worry about money.  Part of that is that I am mennonite and I think God specifically created all mennonites to be cheap.  It's not what we are taught, it's in our DNA somehow.  So we could have a million dollars in the bank (we don't) and I would still worry about money.  Letting that go is hard, but I'm working on it - thanks to my french husband who is completely opposite of me!

I've titled this post Thoughts on Life.  It ties in with my previous post about life, but that may be hard to see right now.  You see, on wednesday there was the parliament vote.  I also attend a ladies Bible study every wednesday morning.  This last wednesday there was a prayer request that broke my heart.  It dealt with life and specifically the life of an unborn child.  With Dan & I looking at adoption and figuring out the beginning steps of this, my first thought was to automatically say "we''ll take this child".  I couldn't say that however, because Dan was not there and this isn't a situation we've really talked about!  Nor did I know enough about the situation to say anything!  So I didn't say anything and the above verses came to mind.  Not so much the kingdom of God part, but the do not worry about tomorrow part.

You see, even though international adoption can cost thousands, I've never, even though it's ingrained in my DNA, been worried about that aspect of it.  I figure if God has called us to this, He will provide the finances we need.  And yet wednesday I was all of the sudden worried about the whole adoption thing and how it would work out!  So the last couple of days I've been working on not worrying about tomorrow.  It's not easy.  My mind wants to live in the future apparently.  But it's a work in progress and one day, whether soon or when I'm dead, I'm pretty sure things will get easier.  And I'm pretty sure it won't be soon.

Life

                                                                                  

Such a simple word.  Such a complex idea.

Today our government voted on a motion regarding life.  This was a controversial motion yet it really was simple.  It was challenging 400 year old wording in the criminal code determining when a person was really human.  In other words, when does someone have life?

This 400 year old wording states that "a child becomes a human being within the meaning of this Act when it has completely proceeded, in a living state, from the body of its mother.”  Therefore if any portion of a baby still remains in the mother's birth canal, that baby is not considered a human and therefore can still be aborted.  Really?  In today's society with all of our technology and insight into the development of a baby this is still considered accurate?  Really?

And so the debate raged on.  In reality if this motion had been passed (it was defeated today in a vote of 203-91) the only thing that would have happened was that a committee would have been set up to answer these questions:

1. What medical evidence exists to demonstrate that a child is or is not a human being before the moment of complete birth?,
2. Is the preponderance of medical evidence consistent with the declaration in Subsection 223(1) that a child is only a human being at the moment of complete birth?,
3. What are the legal impact and consequences of Subsection 223(1) on the fundamental human rights of a child before the moment of complete birth?,
4. What are the options available to Parliament in the exercise of its legislative authority in accordance with the Constitution and decisions of the Supreme Court of Canada to affirm, amend, or replace Subsection 223(1)?

So what is so scary about these particular questions?  Why would something like this cause an uproar with those who are pro-choice?  I can't really say because I don't know, but personally I think that it causes such fear because the answers to these questions bring with it huge responsibility.  The saying is that "with knowledge comes responsibility" right?  So more knowledge about the development of a human baby brings with it more responsibility to those of us (the entire human population) who are placed in charge of these smallest humans.  The responsibility to look beyond ourselves, beyond our selfish nature, and reach out to the weakest of the weak, take them in and protect them.

So where does that bring me today?  How do I respond to the vote today?  Well for starters I can be thankful that almost 1/3 of the members of parliament agree to looking at this topic!  (Yes I am a optimist!)  I can also write to Stephen Woodworth and thank him for bringing this topic up (and since the MP for my area voted in agreement I can also thank him, so thanks Chris Warkentin!). 

And I can pray.  If there is anything I have learned in the last month that I have been praying in the mornings it is that prayer can be answered and it can make a difference fast.  I can also join in or support events like 40 days for life and other similar types of events.  Since I am nowhere near Calgary I can't personally join in with them, but I can be there in spirit and in prayer. 

There is a lot more going on in my head right now that I can't clearly articulate into words so I'm going to leave it for tonight, but pray friends.  Pray, pray, pray.  God is working and He is working in ways that we cannot see.

Kids and God

So Dan likes to say that God gives us kids so we understand where He is coming from.  I tend to agree.  We are working on a bunch of stuff with Maddison right now - seeing as she is 2 that's kind of normal - and one of them is not screaming or reacting in anger.  So today a situation arose and she threw her baby stroller down the stairs and starting screaming.  So into the time-out chair she went, all the while screaming.  I put 10 minutes on the stove timer and waited.  After about 5 minutes she had calmed down enough for me to go over there and talk with her.  And so goes my talk:

Me: Maddison mommy loves you so much and I don't like putting you in time-out, but screaming and throwing things in anger are not appropriate responses to me saying no.

And on goes the light bulb in my head.  "Hello Heather.  Isn't that what you do if God says no?  Don't you scream and get angry with God if things don't go your way?"

And so continue the lessons learned whilst parenting.....

A little bit of news

So we are planning on adopting.  We don't know when, we don't know where from, and we don't know how on earth we will be able to afford it.  We just know that the Lord has led us to this place and we are trusting that He will lead us forward.  I posted a couple months ago about the circumstances that lead to this place (this post) and since then there has been little to report.  We have told both sets of parents that we are wanting to adopt but that's about it.  We have contacted an agency we want to work with and are just waiting for a weekend when we can go take their international adoption course. 

That's been the most frusterating part really.  They only offer this course in Edmonton or Calgary (except, of course, last year when they came to Grande Prairie and we didn't have the $250 to attend, nor were we planning on adopting this early then) and only once a month.  Every time they have offered this course we have been busy so far.  Actually in June when we originally looked into it, the earliest we could go would have been November really.  Now that weekend is booked with swimming lessons, so it's looking like maybe February of next year? 

Anyway, so while all of this is happening I have been informing myself and researching adoptions.  An online forum I frequent has an adoption board and that has been hugely helpful in giving ideas.  I also read blogs that I find and today I took a look at this one, which has some great ideas on fundraising for adoptions!  So I will definately be keeping that in mind as we move forward!

It's my birthday....

and as I get older this day is more and more special.

When I was younger I was so excited for my birthday.  It meant so many things - presents, friends and an awesome cake that my mom made!  I was so excited every year to be older.

As I started getting towards the end of high school my birthday was still special, but it came with some different feelings.  I was getting towards the "grown up" stage of life.  I had to decide what I was going to do with my life!  I had to be responsible now!  All throughout PRBI I loved my birthdays - it was time with friends and family and even though I was always a year older (funny how that works!) it never seemed to matter.  I graduated PRBI at 21 and turned 22 later that year.  That was when I really started to feel the "older" part of my birthdays.

I had always imagined that I would be married and starting a family by around that time.  So as the next couple years passed while I worked, built a house, moved out on my own and went back to school I really, really felt the year I lost.  Don't get me wrong, I still loved my birthday, but it just brought about the reminder that I still had dreams and desires that were still unfulfilled. 

Dan & I started dating a week before I turned 25 and while I couldn't guarantee at that point that I was going to marry Dan, I knew that my life was about to change.  My 25th birthday was a great day.  It was my first birthday with a boyfriend and while I knew that this might be a lasting relationship, I was at peace with where God had me and I was really able to enjoy my time - even though I had questions running through my head all day on that birthday!

As it turned out, my 25th birthday was my last birthday before I was married.  By the next year I had been married for almost 4 months and was almost 4 months pregnant with Maddison!  Since then my birthdays have had a different feel.  Even though I am getting older, it's almost a surreal type of older.  My husband makes me feel super special every year, my girls are the light of my life and having them in my life just makes my birthday that much better!

So today is my 29th birthday.  I woke up this morning, cuddled with my baby in front of our fire, kissed my husband before he left for work, spent some time with God, went grocery shopping, had a great lunch with my mom & sister and now am just relaxing while my girls nap.  Dan is working late tonight but that doesn't really matter.  I know I am loved and that's all that matters.

Does it still freak me out a bit that I am almost 30?  Sure.  I remember when 30 seemed like forever away and now it's next year and 30 still seems to be way more grown up then I feel I should be, but that's the way life goes I guess! 

So happy birthday to me!  As to how my prayer challenge is going, well it's been alright.  We went on holidays over the weekend so getting up early was not in the cards, and I came home sick so I spent a couple days recovering, but today I once again was woken up by the Lord at 6 and I spent some time praying.  I must say it really does make a difference during the day!

Day 4

So it's been 4 days.  And I've been doing ok.  I've prayed every morning, but to be honest I still haven't left my bed to pray.  So I wake up at 6, lay there and pray, and then get up when the alarm rings at 6:30.  So while I have prayed every day, it hasn't been 30 minutes of hard-core prayer.  Part of that is because Dan is on call this week so I don't want to disturb him, part of it is just not wanting to get up and get out of bed.

However, I have noticed a HUGE difference this week in both me and the girls as well as Dan.  So I guess prayer works huh?  Hopefully next week I'll be able to continue this!

Speaking of prayer, an aquantaince of mine from Bible School found out this morning that she lost her baby.  They have had a few challenges in life - and who hasn't really - and this is very hard for them.  Please pray for them as they work through this.

My Personal 60 Day challenge

So lately I've been challenged.  Not by any other person really, but by circumstances in my life.  I won't get into the details because in this situation they don't matter.  But because of some things that have occured I've been challenged, by myself, to pray specifically for someone for 60 days.  It's actually a couple people that I am praying for (my husband and daughters!) but I've really been feeling God leading me to pray for them.  And as a wife and mother, I think that's a good thing!

So here's the deal.  Because I am a wife and mother and my youngest doesn't always allow me the time after Dan leaves for work and before she wakes up, I have to make time.  And that means waking up earlier then normal.  So for the next 60 days I will be waking up at 6 to pray for Dan & the girls.  For those of you who know me personally, that's kind of crazy.  I am not a morning person.  I don't do mornings.  But the Lord has impressed on me the importance of this, so 6 it is. 

Another twist to the story is that I don't have an alarm that I can set.  I don't want to wake Dan up at that time so I am trusting the Lord to be my alarm clock.  Think this is even more crazy?  Well it is.  However this morning was day #1.  Last night before I went to bed I prayed and specifically asked the Lord to wake me up at 6.  This morning I woke up, looked at the clock and it was 6.  Not 5:59, not 6:01, but 6:00 exactly.  So we are off to a good start! 

Hopefully I'll be able to keep you updated as to how things are going, and as much as I am not a morning person, I am actually really hoping this becomes a habit for me that I can continue because prayer and quiet time with the Lord is something I really need on a daily basis, so here's to a change in my life that brings about a change in other's lives too.

Holidays, life and good times

So we just got back from a week of holidays.  Good times was had by all!  This was the first trip where we were actually bringing our tent trailer with us for a significant distance.  It was nice to find out that it followed the Sequoia well and it didn't really affect our gas milage much!  Whoo hoo!!!!

The first portion of our holidays consisted of my cousins wedding.  Maddison was one of the flower girls so we had some preperations and involvement that way, even though we weren't really sure how well she would do.  She actually did quite well, even though I ended up having to walk with her up the aisle.  Oh well though.  Amanda looked beautiful and after all was said and done, they are now married and enjoying life together!

Our pretty flower girl!

Amanda & Andy

Since we were so close to Calgary, and on holidays, we figured a trip to the zoo was in order.  So Sunday was zoo day and it was fun!  Maddison loved the animals, the train and the parks.  She also enjoyed the ice cream and treats because, hey, it's holidays right?

Maddison & the Penguins

Part two of our holidays was situated at Ol' MacDonald's Farm near Stettler with Dan's family.  Things went well on the trip there (dispite having to take down in the rain at Didsbury) but once we got there it was a bit of a gong show.  We went to check in to find out which stall we were at (Dan's parents had reserved one for us the entire week even though we were only there Monday to Wednesday night) and the ladies were a bit snobby at the desk.  After a few go-arounds for them trying to figure out our names - which isn't that hard - we finally got our site number and directions to get there.  So we drive down and discover that Dan had to back the trailer around a 135 degree angle to get it into the site.  Wonderful.  So we tied up traffic for a while, got the trailer into the stall and then struggled to get it level because the site was angled but after about an hour or so we finally had it level enough and popped it up.  Everything went smooth after that and we enjoyed our 3 days there. 

Our site at Ol' MacDonald

It happened to rain a bit every day, but it wasn't too bad until Thursday, which happened to be the day we left.  So take down in the rain - again.  All is going ok until we are cranking down the trailer.  With about 1 inch left it stopped.  Dan tried to crank it up again.  Nothing.  The shaft just turns but there is no movement.  So we pushed it down the inch, hooked up, and drove away hoping it would re-adjust itself on the drive so we could do the rest of our camping in Whitecourt.  No beans.  We stopped in Edmonton for gas and lunch and tried to crank it up there.  Nothing.  So we just skipped Whitecourt and drove all the way home 2 days early.  We were not in the best mood to say the least.

Daddy & Brooklyn (who was stylin' that day!)

Once we got home we got all the stuff unloaded from the closed trailer (well as much as we could anyway - the groceries had to stay in the fridge) and went to bed.  Friday turned out alright as we got some stuff done in town and such and Saturday we dragged the trailer out to Mom & Dad's to fix it.  Dad was a huge help and after about 8 hours of work they had it fixed.  It turned out that a welded joint had come loose from the sprocket and so the crank would turn but wasn't catching anything.  So it was a factory problem because welds should not come loose.  Just our luck I guess that it broke on our watch and not the previous owners.  But now it is fixed and all is well - we can camp again!

Brooklyn enjoying the beach!

We also had a chance to tell my parents that we are starting research into adoption.  My mom had read "Kisses From Katie" while on holidays and recommended it to me.  She was surprised that I knew what book she was talking about so I was able to mention that it was a suggested book to read about international adoptions!  So now both sets of parents now we are planning on adopting and I'm thinking that November we will probably go to Edmonton for the adoption course.  Then we will know more about what to expect and the steps to take!

Daddy & the girls at the beach

 So that's been life.  We did have a good holiday despite the problems and our girls love camping so we anticipate many good holidays to come in the future.  Although next year we will probably have a different trailer.... Dan is sick of used stuff breaking so we are selling the tent trailer and buying a brand new trailer.  But more on that later....

I think I'm becoming my normal self again

It's after midnight and I am awake. 

I have a lot of things running around in my heart right now.  The more reading I do about adoption the more I want it to happen right now.  My daily e-mailed devotionals have been about adoption for a lot of the last couple of weeks.  I'm obviously reading books about it but I've seen more blogs about adoption in the last couple months then ever before!  Maybe it's because I am thinking about it but I believe it's because that's where God wants us.  My heart is being drawn to a country I never thought I would adopt from (and obviously can't say now whether I will or not) and it really just breaks my heart to see and hear stories from that country.  I don't want to say the country because right now it's just in the beginning stages of growing on my heart and I have no idea where Dan is on this country.

Maybe that's why I can't sleep....

Anyway, I can hear Dan snoring in the bedroom (horray for him sleeping!!!) so I should probably go back and try to sleep.  I will after all have kids waking me up at 7 tomorrow morning I'm sure!

Words from the Lord

This morning was rough.  5:30 am is not my best time of day.  Thankfully the Lord let my girls fall back asleep from 7:30 to 9ish, during which time I made coffee for me to consume (a first for me) and spent some much needed time with the Lord.  I flipped open my Bible to Psalms and started reading hilighted verses.

Psalm 19:14
       "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer."

That lead to a verse I was required to memorize many years ago while I was on my Teen Missions trip to Iceland.

Isaiah 40:29-31
     "He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.  Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."

Such perfect words for a day like today - and I can tell you that He kept those promises as I went through the morning!

What I want to tell everybody but can't

Well I know that technically this would be telling everybody, but since I have looked and it doesn't appear that there are actually many people reading this blog (which is great for times like this)I will tell here.

Even before we were married Dan & I talked about kids and our kid plan.  That included numbers and timing and birth control and what-not.  In addition to having my own kids, I had always wanted to adopt and had even thought about doing adoption later in life as a single woman if I didn't get married.  So that factored into our discussion as well.  So we made our tentative plans, including most likely adopting in the future after we were done having kids of our own.

Fast forward to now.  Adoption has been on our radar since about 5 months into our marriage.  Reason being: Dan's niece.  If anybody reading this doesn't know, Dan's sister discovered she had cancer when she was about 4 1/2 months pregnant, which was about 3 months after we got married.  Austin was born via emergency c-section at 27 weeks gestation and has survived with flying colors.  Since we were expecting our unexpected baby #1 at that time, adopting Austin wasn't something we could really do at that point, but we did communicate that we would like to do it in the future.  Well now it appears that the Lord has closed that particular adoption door as Dan's parents have not felt the Lord leading them to give her up.  Which is fine.  Adoption is still on our radar - just not for Austin right now.

So, about a month ago I was reading some links to blogs that a friend had posted and suddenly felt that we should look into pursuing adoption now.  I kind of brushed it off and kept reading.  The feeling persisted and grew a bit stronger.  Due to some other things that I am thinking of and learning right now, I decided not to mention this to Dan but rather to just pray that in God's timing Dan would bring it up - I said nothing to Dan about anything.

About a week ago Dan, out of the blue as we were driving into GP for breakfast Saturday morning (sans kids because they had stayed at my parents for the night), said, and I quote, "I think we should start looking into adoption now because it might take a few years for anything to happen". 

Color me shocked.  I kind of sat in stunned silence for a couple of minutes.  I wasn't too sure what to do or say!  So me, being the genius I am said "really?" in my shocked voice.  I think I kind of threw Dan off because of that.  I then went on to explain what I had been feeling. 

So we are now starting the very preliminary steps of adoption.  And by preliminary, I mean preliminary.  Research.  Talking to those who have adopted.  Browsing the internet.  That's about it right now.  I'm honestly still kind of shocked.  We aren't, as far as we know, done having our own biological children, but apparently somewhere, sooner then we thought, the Lord has a child, or children, for us that will grow in our hearts rather then my body.

Happy Anniversary!

Well it is no longer the 16th, but still, I can remember can't I?  Our third anniversary was on wednesday, May 16th.  We didn't do much.  Wednesday's are busy days for me & Dan.  I have Bible study in the morning and teach piano in the afternoon and evening.  So that was our day this last wednesday too!  To be fair, it was the last day of piano lessons before summer so as of next week wednesday's won't be so busy anymore, but still.

So funny story about our anniversary.  For 3 years Dan has been wanting to buy me the third ring for my set.  For 3 years I have been saying that we don't have the money (which we didn't).  This year Dan didn't even ask.  He mentioned it a couple times after my house sold, but I just said I didn't need it.  Then we got our income tax return.  He said nothing.  Then last week I went to do the bank stuff and budget stuff and found a receipt from the jewelers.  Oops.  Apparently I have trained Dan well because he put the receipt in the envelope before he was supposed to - so good thing for habits, but oops on his part!  So I kept it a secret that I knew what he had done.  I waited and then on wednesday morning he gave me my third ring.  I did tell him then that I had already known, and we laughed, but it's nice to feel special and it's good for Dan to just spend money because he likes doing that too.

Then last night we sent the girls to my parents for the night.  We went out to the Keg, had a starbucks, wandered around the bigger Walmart and bought some cheapo movies, came home and watched one cheapo movie "August Rush" - which we had seen before and both really like!  So there went the getting sleep part of the night because by the time the movie was over it was almost 1!  And of course we didn't manage to sleep in really, but that's ok.  It was nice to not have kids around for a few hours anyway!

So happy anniversary to us and here's to many many many more!

What am I turning into?

Apparently it's a blog linking fanatic.  Here is another blog that I found recently that was written in light of the new Time magazine photo.  Food for thought definately!

Long time

So apparently it's been a long time since I've written anything here.  So goes the life of a mom of two - although that's not really an excuse because I know mom's of 4 or more who blog more regularily!

However, I have been thinking a lot of thing lately and just today remembered that I had a blog!  So oops on me for forgetting this thing.  I guess Facebook kind of just overtakes it sometimes.

Anyway, so today is May 10th.  Nothing special about May 10th.  But there are a lot of things special about May.  May 4th is the day that I peed on a stick last year and confirmed that I was pregnant with Brooklyn - our rainbow baby, May 16th is our wedding anniversary, and May 13th is Mother's Day.  There are other days special about May that are related to our extended family but those three days (obviously Mother's day changes dates) are special to us.  I bring this up because I read just today another blog from another mom who shared her feelings about Mother's day.  While I can't relate to her feelings in total, I cried while reading that blog because it did connect with my heart.  Here is the link to her blog.  Take some time to read it. (cue Jeopardy music)

This resonated with me because it is similar, but not the same, to me.  The difference is that I always wanted kids of my own.  As I graduated high school, then college, and the started my second degree with still no husband in sight (although I was only 24 at that time) I started thinking about how I could handle life with no kids.  I wasn't too concerned about it since I was only 24 at the time, but it was a concern in the back of my mind. 

God was, and is, good though and brought Dan and I together a week before I turned 25.  We were married 9 months later.  3 weeks after that we found out I was pregnant.  While I had, like I said, always wanted kids it was hard for me to believe that I would have one only 9 months after I had gotten married.  I wanted to be selfish and have my husband to myself for a little while!  It only took a few days before I was really excited though, so that didn't last long.  I did however, want a boy.  I have always wanted a boy and I especially wanted my boy first.  So I was convinced that my baby was a boy. 

We decided to find out what the baby was at the ultrasound and I knew it was going to be a boy.  I was wrong, my baby was a girl.  I haven't told many people this, but I was shocked, sad and disappointed.  I wanted my boy and this was a girl.  I didn't sleep much that night.  I actually cried most of the night.  Not because I didn't love my baby, but because I didn't want a girl.  It took a few days to get used to that idea, but I still wasn't excited.   I wasn't sure what I was going to do when this baby came around!

However, after a few weeks I started to get more used to the idea that I was going to have a girl and by the time I went into labour I was MORE then ready to have my baby girl in my arms.  I was crazy excited to have this baby and super ready to be a mom to my baby girl.  I was in love the moment I saw her.

Fast forward to Maddison's first birthday.  I had just discovered that I was pregnant again.  I was excited and ready to have another baby!  For some reason I knew that this pregnancy was different and I just wanted to share it with everybody!  I didn't care about the risk of miscarriage - I was going to have another baby!  Then I miscarried at 8 weeks.  Everything happened naturally so there is no way to know whether that baby was a boy or girl and no testing was done to determine why I miscarried, but I know in my heart that that baby was my boy.  That may not be my only boy because we aren't done having kids yet, but that was my boy.  Easter passed with great celebration last year because I knew my baby was in heaven, but after having a miscarriage I was scared to get pregnant again because I didn't know if I could still trust my body.

May 4th I took another pregnancy test.  It was positive.  I was excited, scared and not to sure what to think all at the same time.  While I wanted a boy, deep in my heart I knew it was a girl.  The ultrasound confirmed that and again I was disappointed, but not because it was a girl, but because I didn't know if I could love another girl as much as I love Maddison.  I guess that's a fear of all second time parents though.  I knew I would love her the same, but I still was scared deep in my heart that I wouldn't.  That fear was unfounded though and my rainbow baby Brooklyn is loved and cherised and it hasn't decreased or changed my love for Maddison either.

Bringing this back to the blog I read and Mother's day.  Mother's day last year was hard.  I was a mom of three (because I was already pregnant) but only had one baby to show and I wasn't about to tell anybody else I was pregnant again!  However I was still happy to celebrate the day with Dan & Maddison.  This year I have been thinking a lot about Mother's day.  I have two babies here and one in heaven and all three have changed me in some way.  The yellow roses Dan got me last week (although not for Mother's day, but for some reason I'm treating them that way) are still blooming and smell amazing and I guess it's just God's little reminder to me that it doesn't matter what I'm going through, God still cares about the details and will still provide for what I need.  And only He can give me the love that I need to handle my kids!

Introducing Brooklyn Paige

Just a quick intro to our wonderful daughter Brooklyn Paige.  Born January 11, 2012 weighing in at 6 lbs 12 ounces and 21 inches long.  She is a dream baby and everyone has adjusted wonderfully!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

So Christmas day might seem like a weird day to be writting on my blog, but since I haven't been able to sleep since 4 because my unborn child thinks I don't need sleep, I guess a Christmas Day blog it is!!!  I've actually been meaning to type something up for a while, but I just haven't.  There have been a lot of thoughts going through my head this season but I just haven't writtne them down.  One of the things I have been thinking about a lot is the true meaning of the season.  While December 25 is probably not the actual day that Jesus was born, it is why we as Christians celebrate.  I love Christmas and that includes Christmas music.  Dan does not love Christmas music the same way, however we have found one CD that both of us really like.  It is the Casting Crowns "Peace On Earth" CD.  In one particular song, "While You Were Sleeping" there is a line that says

"United States of America
Looks like another silent night
As we're sung to sleep by philosophies
That save the trees and kill the children"

and that line got to me every single time I heard it this year.  Maybe I have a new perspective because I've lost a child, maybe it's God working in me, or maybe it's just pregnancy hormones I have no idea, but the ridiculousness of the fact that in today's world we do everything we can to save the trees, animals, environment, etc but so easily throw away a child's life through abortion floors me.  It makes me want to shout from the rooftops about how silly that actually is.  Maybe a New Year's resolution for those of us who see the value in human life should be to not be afraid to take a stand?

Dec 30

So I had to stop writting the other day due to my daughter and husband waking up and Christmas morning actually starting!  Nothing wrong with that though!!!!!  My mind is still caught up in the same thoughts about the value of a human life and I love that God uses the smallest things to really make you think about life!!!!!