Long time

So apparently it's been a long time since I've written anything here.  So goes the life of a mom of two - although that's not really an excuse because I know mom's of 4 or more who blog more regularily!

However, I have been thinking a lot of thing lately and just today remembered that I had a blog!  So oops on me for forgetting this thing.  I guess Facebook kind of just overtakes it sometimes.

Anyway, so today is May 10th.  Nothing special about May 10th.  But there are a lot of things special about May.  May 4th is the day that I peed on a stick last year and confirmed that I was pregnant with Brooklyn - our rainbow baby, May 16th is our wedding anniversary, and May 13th is Mother's Day.  There are other days special about May that are related to our extended family but those three days (obviously Mother's day changes dates) are special to us.  I bring this up because I read just today another blog from another mom who shared her feelings about Mother's day.  While I can't relate to her feelings in total, I cried while reading that blog because it did connect with my heart.  Here is the link to her blog.  Take some time to read it. (cue Jeopardy music)

This resonated with me because it is similar, but not the same, to me.  The difference is that I always wanted kids of my own.  As I graduated high school, then college, and the started my second degree with still no husband in sight (although I was only 24 at that time) I started thinking about how I could handle life with no kids.  I wasn't too concerned about it since I was only 24 at the time, but it was a concern in the back of my mind. 

God was, and is, good though and brought Dan and I together a week before I turned 25.  We were married 9 months later.  3 weeks after that we found out I was pregnant.  While I had, like I said, always wanted kids it was hard for me to believe that I would have one only 9 months after I had gotten married.  I wanted to be selfish and have my husband to myself for a little while!  It only took a few days before I was really excited though, so that didn't last long.  I did however, want a boy.  I have always wanted a boy and I especially wanted my boy first.  So I was convinced that my baby was a boy. 

We decided to find out what the baby was at the ultrasound and I knew it was going to be a boy.  I was wrong, my baby was a girl.  I haven't told many people this, but I was shocked, sad and disappointed.  I wanted my boy and this was a girl.  I didn't sleep much that night.  I actually cried most of the night.  Not because I didn't love my baby, but because I didn't want a girl.  It took a few days to get used to that idea, but I still wasn't excited.   I wasn't sure what I was going to do when this baby came around!

However, after a few weeks I started to get more used to the idea that I was going to have a girl and by the time I went into labour I was MORE then ready to have my baby girl in my arms.  I was crazy excited to have this baby and super ready to be a mom to my baby girl.  I was in love the moment I saw her.

Fast forward to Maddison's first birthday.  I had just discovered that I was pregnant again.  I was excited and ready to have another baby!  For some reason I knew that this pregnancy was different and I just wanted to share it with everybody!  I didn't care about the risk of miscarriage - I was going to have another baby!  Then I miscarried at 8 weeks.  Everything happened naturally so there is no way to know whether that baby was a boy or girl and no testing was done to determine why I miscarried, but I know in my heart that that baby was my boy.  That may not be my only boy because we aren't done having kids yet, but that was my boy.  Easter passed with great celebration last year because I knew my baby was in heaven, but after having a miscarriage I was scared to get pregnant again because I didn't know if I could still trust my body.

May 4th I took another pregnancy test.  It was positive.  I was excited, scared and not to sure what to think all at the same time.  While I wanted a boy, deep in my heart I knew it was a girl.  The ultrasound confirmed that and again I was disappointed, but not because it was a girl, but because I didn't know if I could love another girl as much as I love Maddison.  I guess that's a fear of all second time parents though.  I knew I would love her the same, but I still was scared deep in my heart that I wouldn't.  That fear was unfounded though and my rainbow baby Brooklyn is loved and cherised and it hasn't decreased or changed my love for Maddison either.

Bringing this back to the blog I read and Mother's day.  Mother's day last year was hard.  I was a mom of three (because I was already pregnant) but only had one baby to show and I wasn't about to tell anybody else I was pregnant again!  However I was still happy to celebrate the day with Dan & Maddison.  This year I have been thinking a lot about Mother's day.  I have two babies here and one in heaven and all three have changed me in some way.  The yellow roses Dan got me last week (although not for Mother's day, but for some reason I'm treating them that way) are still blooming and smell amazing and I guess it's just God's little reminder to me that it doesn't matter what I'm going through, God still cares about the details and will still provide for what I need.  And only He can give me the love that I need to handle my kids!