What I want to tell everybody but can't

Well I know that technically this would be telling everybody, but since I have looked and it doesn't appear that there are actually many people reading this blog (which is great for times like this)I will tell here.

Even before we were married Dan & I talked about kids and our kid plan.  That included numbers and timing and birth control and what-not.  In addition to having my own kids, I had always wanted to adopt and had even thought about doing adoption later in life as a single woman if I didn't get married.  So that factored into our discussion as well.  So we made our tentative plans, including most likely adopting in the future after we were done having kids of our own.

Fast forward to now.  Adoption has been on our radar since about 5 months into our marriage.  Reason being: Dan's niece.  If anybody reading this doesn't know, Dan's sister discovered she had cancer when she was about 4 1/2 months pregnant, which was about 3 months after we got married.  Austin was born via emergency c-section at 27 weeks gestation and has survived with flying colors.  Since we were expecting our unexpected baby #1 at that time, adopting Austin wasn't something we could really do at that point, but we did communicate that we would like to do it in the future.  Well now it appears that the Lord has closed that particular adoption door as Dan's parents have not felt the Lord leading them to give her up.  Which is fine.  Adoption is still on our radar - just not for Austin right now.

So, about a month ago I was reading some links to blogs that a friend had posted and suddenly felt that we should look into pursuing adoption now.  I kind of brushed it off and kept reading.  The feeling persisted and grew a bit stronger.  Due to some other things that I am thinking of and learning right now, I decided not to mention this to Dan but rather to just pray that in God's timing Dan would bring it up - I said nothing to Dan about anything.

About a week ago Dan, out of the blue as we were driving into GP for breakfast Saturday morning (sans kids because they had stayed at my parents for the night), said, and I quote, "I think we should start looking into adoption now because it might take a few years for anything to happen". 

Color me shocked.  I kind of sat in stunned silence for a couple of minutes.  I wasn't too sure what to do or say!  So me, being the genius I am said "really?" in my shocked voice.  I think I kind of threw Dan off because of that.  I then went on to explain what I had been feeling. 

So we are now starting the very preliminary steps of adoption.  And by preliminary, I mean preliminary.  Research.  Talking to those who have adopted.  Browsing the internet.  That's about it right now.  I'm honestly still kind of shocked.  We aren't, as far as we know, done having our own biological children, but apparently somewhere, sooner then we thought, the Lord has a child, or children, for us that will grow in our hearts rather then my body.

Happy Anniversary!

Well it is no longer the 16th, but still, I can remember can't I?  Our third anniversary was on wednesday, May 16th.  We didn't do much.  Wednesday's are busy days for me & Dan.  I have Bible study in the morning and teach piano in the afternoon and evening.  So that was our day this last wednesday too!  To be fair, it was the last day of piano lessons before summer so as of next week wednesday's won't be so busy anymore, but still.

So funny story about our anniversary.  For 3 years Dan has been wanting to buy me the third ring for my set.  For 3 years I have been saying that we don't have the money (which we didn't).  This year Dan didn't even ask.  He mentioned it a couple times after my house sold, but I just said I didn't need it.  Then we got our income tax return.  He said nothing.  Then last week I went to do the bank stuff and budget stuff and found a receipt from the jewelers.  Oops.  Apparently I have trained Dan well because he put the receipt in the envelope before he was supposed to - so good thing for habits, but oops on his part!  So I kept it a secret that I knew what he had done.  I waited and then on wednesday morning he gave me my third ring.  I did tell him then that I had already known, and we laughed, but it's nice to feel special and it's good for Dan to just spend money because he likes doing that too.

Then last night we sent the girls to my parents for the night.  We went out to the Keg, had a starbucks, wandered around the bigger Walmart and bought some cheapo movies, came home and watched one cheapo movie "August Rush" - which we had seen before and both really like!  So there went the getting sleep part of the night because by the time the movie was over it was almost 1!  And of course we didn't manage to sleep in really, but that's ok.  It was nice to not have kids around for a few hours anyway!

So happy anniversary to us and here's to many many many more!

What am I turning into?

Apparently it's a blog linking fanatic.  Here is another blog that I found recently that was written in light of the new Time magazine photo.  Food for thought definately!

Long time

So apparently it's been a long time since I've written anything here.  So goes the life of a mom of two - although that's not really an excuse because I know mom's of 4 or more who blog more regularily!

However, I have been thinking a lot of thing lately and just today remembered that I had a blog!  So oops on me for forgetting this thing.  I guess Facebook kind of just overtakes it sometimes.

Anyway, so today is May 10th.  Nothing special about May 10th.  But there are a lot of things special about May.  May 4th is the day that I peed on a stick last year and confirmed that I was pregnant with Brooklyn - our rainbow baby, May 16th is our wedding anniversary, and May 13th is Mother's Day.  There are other days special about May that are related to our extended family but those three days (obviously Mother's day changes dates) are special to us.  I bring this up because I read just today another blog from another mom who shared her feelings about Mother's day.  While I can't relate to her feelings in total, I cried while reading that blog because it did connect with my heart.  Here is the link to her blog.  Take some time to read it. (cue Jeopardy music)

This resonated with me because it is similar, but not the same, to me.  The difference is that I always wanted kids of my own.  As I graduated high school, then college, and the started my second degree with still no husband in sight (although I was only 24 at that time) I started thinking about how I could handle life with no kids.  I wasn't too concerned about it since I was only 24 at the time, but it was a concern in the back of my mind. 

God was, and is, good though and brought Dan and I together a week before I turned 25.  We were married 9 months later.  3 weeks after that we found out I was pregnant.  While I had, like I said, always wanted kids it was hard for me to believe that I would have one only 9 months after I had gotten married.  I wanted to be selfish and have my husband to myself for a little while!  It only took a few days before I was really excited though, so that didn't last long.  I did however, want a boy.  I have always wanted a boy and I especially wanted my boy first.  So I was convinced that my baby was a boy. 

We decided to find out what the baby was at the ultrasound and I knew it was going to be a boy.  I was wrong, my baby was a girl.  I haven't told many people this, but I was shocked, sad and disappointed.  I wanted my boy and this was a girl.  I didn't sleep much that night.  I actually cried most of the night.  Not because I didn't love my baby, but because I didn't want a girl.  It took a few days to get used to that idea, but I still wasn't excited.   I wasn't sure what I was going to do when this baby came around!

However, after a few weeks I started to get more used to the idea that I was going to have a girl and by the time I went into labour I was MORE then ready to have my baby girl in my arms.  I was crazy excited to have this baby and super ready to be a mom to my baby girl.  I was in love the moment I saw her.

Fast forward to Maddison's first birthday.  I had just discovered that I was pregnant again.  I was excited and ready to have another baby!  For some reason I knew that this pregnancy was different and I just wanted to share it with everybody!  I didn't care about the risk of miscarriage - I was going to have another baby!  Then I miscarried at 8 weeks.  Everything happened naturally so there is no way to know whether that baby was a boy or girl and no testing was done to determine why I miscarried, but I know in my heart that that baby was my boy.  That may not be my only boy because we aren't done having kids yet, but that was my boy.  Easter passed with great celebration last year because I knew my baby was in heaven, but after having a miscarriage I was scared to get pregnant again because I didn't know if I could still trust my body.

May 4th I took another pregnancy test.  It was positive.  I was excited, scared and not to sure what to think all at the same time.  While I wanted a boy, deep in my heart I knew it was a girl.  The ultrasound confirmed that and again I was disappointed, but not because it was a girl, but because I didn't know if I could love another girl as much as I love Maddison.  I guess that's a fear of all second time parents though.  I knew I would love her the same, but I still was scared deep in my heart that I wouldn't.  That fear was unfounded though and my rainbow baby Brooklyn is loved and cherised and it hasn't decreased or changed my love for Maddison either.

Bringing this back to the blog I read and Mother's day.  Mother's day last year was hard.  I was a mom of three (because I was already pregnant) but only had one baby to show and I wasn't about to tell anybody else I was pregnant again!  However I was still happy to celebrate the day with Dan & Maddison.  This year I have been thinking a lot about Mother's day.  I have two babies here and one in heaven and all three have changed me in some way.  The yellow roses Dan got me last week (although not for Mother's day, but for some reason I'm treating them that way) are still blooming and smell amazing and I guess it's just God's little reminder to me that it doesn't matter what I'm going through, God still cares about the details and will still provide for what I need.  And only He can give me the love that I need to handle my kids!