Life isn't fair

Why again? That is pretty much the only question running through my head right now.  All of March & April I held back from spilling our secret.  I really really wanted to spill it, but something was holding me back.  An ultrasound showed a heartbeat and baby growing at exactly where it was supposed to.  That was April 1st.  Once the heartbeat is seen, the chance of loss goes down to 5%.  I figured since I already had an unexplained miscarriage (25% of women have one of those) and an ectopic pregnancy (20% of women have one of those), I was probably ok.  But I still didn't spill our news.  I still wanted to wait.  And I couldn't explain why.  Now I can. 

When I started spotting I thought it was just one of those things.  I had seen the heartbeat.  I had morning sickness.  My pants were starting to feel tight, and it wasn't because I was overeating (I could only manage about 1000 calories a day without getting nauseous).  I didn't go to the doctor right away.  In fact I waited a week and a half before calling my doctor.  Then things started to change and I figured a doctor's visit was in order.  So on May 1st I went in.  And when the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, she sent me for an emergency ultrasound.  I have been in enough ultrasounds to know when things are ok and when things are not.  I knew something was wrong.  And since the ultrasound techs aren't allowed to say anything, she asked me to wait while she talked to the radiologist.  That is when I figured out that our baby had probably died.  And since my doctor was out of the office, I had been her last appointment of the day, the tech told me that my doctor would call me later today.  She called while I was on my way home.  She didn't know details yet, but baby #4 had died. 

When we first found out I was pregnant I was scared.  I have never had 2 successful pregnancies back to back.  And this was my "other" pregnancy.  But this was also the longest I had gone between pregnancies.  It had been 14 months.  And once I got past 8 weeks, I began to have hope again.  Maybe things were working this time.  Maybe I would have a baby before Christmas.  And now I am back to why?  Why again?  Why can my body not carry two pregnancies back to back?  What is wrong that causes every other baby to die?  Why do I get to be part of every bad stat regarding pregnancies?  Why do other people have full out bleeding and their babies still survive?  Why?  And yes, I am angry.  I have never felt the desire or need to get drunk before.  I was tempted to last night.  Had it not been that I knew I would probably need to get up at least once for one of the kids, I probably would have considered it more then the brief thought it actually was. 

I don't have anything elloquent to say.  This sucks.  My heart hurts.  My body hurts.  I am mad.  But I also have an amazing support system around me that has lifted us up and given us hugs, love and prayers.  And while I know I won't ever be the same because I will always carry this baby with me like I do the others, in time the grief will fade.  Eventually I will feel normal again.  In time I may be ready to have another baby.  But for now, I am just going to take things minute by minute, day by day and enjoy the babies I already have.