Merry Christmas!

So as I was laying in bed at 3:30, as awake as ever, I realized why I love Christmas so much and it wasn't about the presents or any of that stuff.  However now, at 10 in the morning on Christmas Eve, I can't really remember what my early morning thoughts were.  I'm sure my morning thoughts had something to do with my kids and seeing them learn to love the season.  I also remember thinking that this new information was kind of revolutionary for me.  Apparently it wasn't all that revolutionary.  At any rate, I'm still excited for today and tomorrow, so Merry Christmas to all and as you celebrate may you remember the birth of Jesus and the sacrifice that He made in coming as a baby.  The sacrifice He made in exchanging His place in heaven for humanity and His eventual death.

30 Weeks

This post is probably not going to be very pregnancy related at all actually.  I am 30 weeks along (only a long 10 more to go) but the past couple weeks have been quite rough.  It's hard to say whether they have been rough because of pregnancy or because God is trying to teach me something.  Probably a combination of both.  It just seems like I am constantly at the end of my rope these days. 

There have been a few changes in life over the past month and that's probably the reason why I've been challenged so much these past couple of weeks.  For starters, we are church hunting.  Due to various reasons that don't need to be dragged up here, we have decided to look around at other churches in our area.  It's not an easy thing to do.  We are tearing our kids out from the church that they have known and throwing them into a new experience.  It's not a bad thing, but it is hard to see them miss their friends and Sunday morning routine.  We are tearing ourselves out from the church where we got married and dedicated our two kids.  My family is there.  It's not easy.  But God doesn't ask you to do the easy thing all the time.  In fact, most times He asks you to do something, it's not going to be the easy way out.

The next change has been Bible study.  And this isn't really a change, but more so of a challenge.  The first study we did this year was "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God".  And it kind of kicked my butt.  I don't like change and I don't like being stretched.  Saying yes to God usually means one or both (most often both) of those things.  Maybe this one should have come first because it happened first chronologically, but oh well.  Going through the study challenged me and then came our decision regarding church.  And I had to put what I had learned into practice.  And I'll repeat, it isn't easy.

The next thing that's been pretty huge on my heart recently is our adoption.  We are in a holding phase right now just waiting for God to give us the go ahead to apply.  Haiti has finished it's adoption reorganization and we now fit much better their requirements for international adoption.  That said, it still won't be a quick and easy process.  But God has been working in both Dan & I as we talk about finances and what we are going to do in regards to this.  In God's time and as we wait, I'll use the time to prepare.  I can't say I'm not excited for this adventure though!

And yes, my pregnancy has been not easy either.  This one has been the hardest thus far.  I haven't felt great most days.  I haven't had a whole lot of energy and I am just ready to be done.  It's a good thing Christmas is here because that will give me a distraction for the next 6 weeks.  And then I've only got a few left - in which I can busy myself with Brooklyn's birthday, Maddison's birthday & getting ready for baby.  Our January/February is about to be crazy crazy crazy with 3 birthdays and Christmas/New Year's in 1 1/2 months.

Weep with those who weep

How true this has become for me today.  Friends of ours in Uganda have had to say goodbye to their one month old baby today.  It has been a long road for them this week and today we weep with them as they grieve.  And being pregnant, feeling the movement of my own babe inside, has made the reality that much clearer for me.  Sometimes there are no words, just virtual hugs and sympathy sent across the ocean while you are wishing that you could be there in person to wrap them up in your arms and cry with them.  It's a good thing that God is big enough to hold the world in His hands because that ocean that is so big to us right now, is nothing to Him.  He is there, holding them in His arms.  He's been there.  He knows the pain.  And that is the ultimate comfort.

Stained Glass Masquerade

Picture Source

Some of you may recognize this title.  I haven't used it before but it's more then appropriate for how I am feeling today.  Today is one of those days when no matter what my kids do, it's not right, but they are doing nothing wrong.  In other words, today is a day when I need to be put in time out.  But how do I, as the mom, do that?  I still need to be the parent.  I still need to make sure that they don't kill each other or constantly fight over who gets what balloon.  But today I am emotionally spent.  It's been a long summer with renovations and pregnancy stuff and just life.  Today my emotions just seem to be broken.  God has been working in my life in huge ways, yet it seems sometimes like nothing has changed.  I'm tired and life seems to never stop.

Yet in the midst of that, my girls wanted to make zucchini bread, and because I had about 7 zucchini to shred and freeze, I figured that would be a good way to spend the morning.  So I pressed play on the CD player and went to make zucchini bread.  Dan had put Casting Crowns into the player a couple of days ago and so that's what played.  And every song had something for me.  We got the bread made and the girls left to play.  And while I was cleaning up, I just cried.  Listening to the actual words of the songs and just letting God do His thing. 

"How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me" - In Me

"And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand" - Prodigal

"And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm" - Praise You In This Storm

"Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people" - Does Anybody Hear Her

"Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side" - Love Them Like Jesus

"Lord, the worship we bring
Is more than songs that we sing
It's a reflection of our ever-changing lives
The best we have to offer" - Father, Spirit, Jesus

"Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain" - Stained Glass Masquerade

"I want to sign Your name
To the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You" - Lifesong

12 Weeks

I am 12 weeks today.  Some of you may ask, 12 weeks what?  Well today I am 12 weeks pregnant.  I am leaving the first trimester behind (and hopefully the nausea and dry heaving with it) and moving on into the 2nd.  For me that usually brings on headaches and in the last week I've had 3.  Luckily they have mostly been in the evening or at night, so some Tylenol and a wet cloth on the forehead have worked and I haven't had to adjust my day much.

Yesterday I heard baby's heartbeat.  Which is why I am writing this today.  After having lost two babies already, I am always thinking that something may happen and I'll loose this one too.  Which is why I haven't written much about this yet, although I haven't been shy in telling people I am pregnant.  This is the first time I've been able to hear baby's heartbeat this early.  I have turned down an early ultrasound for both pregnancies it has been offered and with Brooklyn we weren't able to hear the heartbeat this early via Doppler (with Maddison I was only having my first appointment this early!).  So I wasn't expecting to hear anything yesterday, but I knew that my doctor would try.  To my surprise she found it!  It was a beautiful 165 beats per minute. 

Now that I know we have a baby with a heartbeat, I must confess I feel much more confident that things will be ok.  I know that things can still go wrong, I've had too many friends lose babies between 12 & 20 weeks to be oblivious to the risks, but at least I know for now that baby Viel is floating around down there all safe and as healthy as we can know.

The woman I'm becoming

Warning - this post may make some of you (particularly men if there are any readying this) uncomfortable.  Womanly topics are discussed.

I am becoming a woman I never thought I'd be.  For as long as I can remember I have enjoyed the "luxuries" of the modern world - things like tampons, shampoo & conditioner, household cleaners - etc, etc....  I have used these things without any thought to them possibly causing harm.

And now I find myself changing.  It started, slowly, when I was pregnant with Maddison.  We were a bit tighter in the financial department, so I chose to use cloth diapers.  Purely for the cost benefits.  Now I use them for the enjoyment and the fact that I don't have to use disposables (full-time) on my kids! 

Then I started looking more into my groceries and what I bought.  I started making my own buns & bread.  That spread to making my own butter, tortilla's, noodles for my chicken noodle soup, bagels, and peanut butter (at least once we are done our current jar).  I also make all my own baked goods.  I honestly don't remember the last time I bought a baked good.  The sugar consumption in our home has reduced drastically - although we still eat probably way to much of it!

I remember as a kid hating the garden through the summer.  Now I can't wait to get into my garden and I even started seedlings early this year!  Seedlings for peppers, broccoli, asparagus, & celery.  And all because it's natural, doesn't have pesticides and is that much healthier for my family.  These are, of course, in addition to the cost savings! 

Household cleaners were next to be changed.  I started thinking more and more about what kind of chemicals I was using to clean with.  And so now I use Pink Solution for my bathrooms and floors and Norwex cloths for my windows and the wet/dry mop instead of a swiffer.  And after I have finished my current bottle of Tide I will be using Pink for laundry too.

Most recently, I have cut shampoo out of my life.  About a year ago a friend of mine switched from shampoo to baking soda/vinegar.  And again I thought I could never do that.  I loved the smell of my shampoo and the feeling of cleanliness it gave my hair.  But just in the last couple of weeks I have made the switch.  It started when I began using smaller amounts of shampoo in my hair because I needed to make it last until my next shopping trip.  But I began to notice that my hair was less greasy and responded better throughout the day.  So I talked to my friend and got the down low on the baking soda/vinegar method of washing hair.  And have been using it for a week.  And I love it. 

This is where any men reading may want to stop.... or skip this particular paragraph as it deals with womanly matters.  This is the one that really, really surprised me.  Before I got married I decided I didn't want to use hormonal birth control.  I have nothing against it, but I just didn't feel comfortable using it.  That lead to researching different types of birth control.  After Maddison was born I came across natural family planning and have been using that since a few months after she was born.  And a few months after Brooklyn was born I was introduced (via a cloth diaper facebook group) to the idea of reusable menstrual products.  At first the idea really weirded me out.  I was comfortable with the products I used and really didn't see any harm in them. Then I read this blog and it challenged my way of thinking.  So I began to research.  And while I am still weirded out by reusable pads, a few months ago I purchased a reusable menstrual cup and have been using it every month since.

So why did I make these changes?  Some of them started out because of cost.  Mainly the diapers for that one.  The garden (in addition to tasting better and the cost benefits), cleaners, and womanly products were because of chemicals, with cost being a minor factor in those.  The shampoo was purely because I liked my hair better without it.  Shampoo never cost me much and I don't have an issue with chemicals in there, but I just liked that I won't (in a couple weeks) have to wash my hair daily, so maybe that's laziness too ;) 

But mostly I just felt that this was the way God wanted me to live.  It's not that using diapers, cleaning products, birth control or store bought veggies are bad, it's just that for me I felt God leading me to remove or semi-remove them from my life.  For the most part it makes thing less complicated.  I feel healthier and therefore I feel like I am better able to serve my family because of these choices.  But I also love that while I may feel that this is a great way to live, God does not want, call or need everybody to live this way.  Our God is so personal that way and I love it.

Easter Musings

So today is Easter.  And I'm in a funk mood.  For one, I'm tired.  B hasn't slept well for the past couple of nights and that's always tiring.  I'm also missing my angel babies.  Easter always makes me think of them.  Some years it makes me excited and anxious to join them in heaven.  Some years I just miss them.  This year I miss them.  Angel baby #1 would be 1 1/2 this year and angel baby #2 would still be a tummy baby.  But by now I would know for sure whether he/she was a he/she.  And I'm just missing my heaven babies today.

One the other side of that though, is that I have hope.  I may miss my babies, but I have hope, because of today, that I will eventually get to spend the rest of my days with them.  And that gives me peace despite the longing.  Praise God that His sacrifice has given us hope.